Tinder

Tinder is a shitty app created for the desperate and pathetic who are unable to get a date or even some pity sex from that fat friend you have. It gathers personal information (i.e. horny, hopeless, getting back at daddy, need to test new handgun on live target, etc.) and matches you up with similar users in your area. It's also utilized heavily by trolls and rapists, albeit for different purposes. It's male userbase consists of sad men looking desperately for action as well as self described "alphas" looking for loose women while it's female userbase consists soley of whores.

Standard Tinder Operation

Tinder works by pairing up your Facebook information with that of another and giving you a list of potential matches. You then look at their profile and then swipe right on the screen to like or left to pass. If two users like then it connects you for chat. But what happens if you accidentally swipe left when you meant to swipe right? Fuck you, that's what. You can never see that person again. They could have been your one and only chance for love, and you just fucked it up, dumbass. The schemers at Tinder know you want to avoid this, so if you want to enable the "Rewind" feature they make you start handing over your monies for Tinder Plus.

Tinder Plus

In March 2015, Tinder realized that a lot of its users were using the app for purposes other than intended, and also that the advertisements that kept the service in business were peanuts compared to the mass amounts of jew gold they could rake in by requiring payments to enable certain features (some you got before for free). Tinder's response to these revelations was to impose a number of limitations unless you subscribe to what they dubbed "Tinder Plus." Basically, you're limited in the amount of swipes you can do within a 12-hour period with the free version, and so you're fucked if you go over your limit unless you dole out money to purchase Plus.

The funniest part about Plus, however, is the pricing: it's $9.99 for people under 28 and $19.99 for people over 28. See, Tinder is well aware that people 28 or younger have other dating options and use Tinder only for fun. But anyone over 28 who is using Tinder is pathetic and desperate, because they've been trying and failing to get dates for a decade or more, and they're either worried that what little hair they still have will be gone before finding a mate, or that they will die childless because their ovaries will have become atrophied husks before anyone ladles out the baby gravy. So if you're an over 28 Tinder Plus user and you still can't find another graying, wrinkling, desperate partner, you may wish to consider your other options.

Typical Tinder Date

You may be able to match with someone if you're male and also pay for Tinder Plus or are female and also are female, in which case your experience will be as follows:

After finding one that looks good and chatting for a bit, you'll both pick a spot to meet
It'll be a public, semi-crowded place which is safe but also makes conversations really awkward
And ya still gotta put aside an evening to get ready and to meet 'em
And, when you meet, you'll realize that all the pictures were shot at deceptive angles at best and just fake at worst
And, if that's not a deal-breaker for your desperate ass, that he/she failed to mention multiple obvious problems
And when you finally get up and leave, that liar acts like you're one in the wrong, maybe even shouts at you in front of everyone as you leave
But, on the bright side, you don't feel embarrassed or even disappointed at this point on account of not feeling much of anything now, which is a plus
You're just asking yourself more and more, why do I even try?

And, after another disappointing attempt to buy a used car online, you'll go to your Tinder date in a bad mood so it also sucks.

Tinder Success Stories

Warriena Wright

Warriena Wright was a clueless New Zealand woman who apparently didn't realize that she was hot enough to have no need for Tinder. She met a gentleman by the name of Gable Tostee who, after giving her what people sign up for Tinder for, decided that Ms. Wright's good looks would be of better use smeared all over concrete, and so he chucked her ass out of a 14th story window (archive). As it turns out, the last moments of her life were being recorded, and the police released a full transcript of her final moments. Another victory for social media.

	“	"You tried to kill me, huh? Well why did you try and hit me with that, huh? Shut your filthy mouth." - "No no no no. Just let me go home." - "I would but you have been a bad girl." - "Just let me go home. Just let me go home!"	„
	—True Love

Lolsuits

Sexual Harassment

In a turn of extremely ironic events for a company that makes a dating app they claim is safe for women, Tinder co-founder Whitney Wolfe sued the company due to sexual harassment by fellow co-founder and butthurt ex-boyfriend Justin Mateen. When Wolfe complained to company CEO Sean Rad, he did the only logical thing and demanded her resignation, because obviously there is no chance of that blowing up in his face. However, Wolfe had actually saved all the texts between her and Mateen and Rad, and in an unexpected move, the court released the caps to the public. Naturally, Tinder and its parent company collectively shit their pants and immediately decided to settle. This resulted in a $1,000,000 settlement for Wolfe, Mateen leaving the company, and Rad stepping down as CEO. A choice selection of the lulziest screencaps are presented below, in which Mateen refers to "middle aged Muslim pigs" and Rad warns her "Shut it. I'll come get you".

Text Screencaps

Butthurt
Defo butthurt
Middle aged Muslim pigs
Famous last words, faggot

Cash Grab

In response to the above mentioned introduction of Tinder Plus, one brave Floridian named Billy Warner decided to take a stand against Tinder's obvious cash grab and filed a class-action suit (inviting literally anyone else pissed to join) claiming that the customer base was maliciously tricked when a formally free app started asking for money to unlock certain features and that this is sinister false advertising. Of course, most people who aren't fucktards or just trying to pull their own cash grab would just say "fuck this" and go try and get a real date or use a different app or website. However, some argue that Warner is actually a master IRL troll and that this entire class-action is being orchestrated for the lulz. If this is the case, it is encouraged that everyone join in this cause for great justice.

Actual Tinder Pickup Lines

	“	Are you looking for a STUD? I've got the STD; all I need is U.	„
	—Get it?

	“	Do like BLTs? Because I want to B my L on your Ts	„
	—F U

	“	Pursuant to Megan's Law I am required to tell you that I'm a registered sex offender. Just kidding, I was never convicted.	„
	—Honesty is important

	“	Are you into fitness? Fitness dick in your mouth?	„
	—Puns

	“	Is your father in jail? Because if I were your father I'd be in jail.	„
	—Charm her with thoughts of incest

	“	What's the difference between me and my couch. The difference is my couch pulls out.	„
	—Not that he'll need it to

	“	Hey there, a little about me: My grandparents were 2nd cousins, probably. I’m not missing any limbs, but it’s okay if you are, and I’ve only collected 2 tears in prison. If I sound like a catch, msg me. :)	„
	—Only two tears? Pussy

	“	Girl I would pick you up in my 94 Nissan, take you to Taco Bell and put it all on credit. Let you get that crunch wrap baby. We both take bear sized gulps out of our 42oz Baja Blasts and know the moment's right. I'd take you all the way to the liquor store and buy the cheapest boxed wine I can find, with what little torn dollar bills I have $ take you back to my place where the minorities fight constantly upstairs. I'd let you take a seat on my couch, pour that room temperature wine into a Styrofoam cup and let you watch whatever you want on Netflix before my neighbors catch me stealing their Internet again.	„
	—tl;dr