Jumpman
If the insides of the Internet could be a video game, Jumpman would be the fucking murderous shitcan that fucks with your mind as well as your keyboard. He runs around and tries to keep bombs from getting blown up. If this happens, your arm gets sent off to China where it is made into a Happy Meal for boys and girls everywhere.
Jumpman was made in 1602 by Chinese internets experts that decided it would be nifty to place a faggy game premise of disarming bombs along with the rise of making it bollocks hard to get anywhere near the end. Future generations of Amercians were wiped away by suicide at initial attempts to beat the game, however this didn't matter since slavery was allowed to take place anyways and all was well.
Premise
Motherfucker is in what looks like a bunch of circuits and shit and there are these bullets being shot, but no one can see where the fuck they are coming from. And really nobody gives a shit because all this guy does is run around on what looks like a bunch of building skyscrapers that got fucked up when Jews did 9/11.
Even better is the purple shirt, since purple is the color of royalty and anyway it's... who gives a shit HE DEFUSES BOMBS!!!
All sound effects were created by slapping Arguecat's ass against the end of a condenser micrphone. Again thanks to the recording industry cellulite was able to be reproduced through transduction of sound and future EDiots were able to garner upon the discovery of this fat bitch's first time funtimes.
How To Beat The Game
- Smoke a gram of meth.
- Stay up for three days straight and play the game on a C64.
- FUCK!!! I still died.
While this does not follow the actual reasonings of the PROFIT!!!?!#onethree scheme, nobody should give a shit because that is an old meme and this is two thousand fucking nine. Suck a fat dick and realize that this is the ONLY way to beat Jumpman, unless you are Jade Goody, in which case you are Jumpman and have cancer. In the ass.
Jumpman IRL
Even though the make-up job is pretty convincing, some nigger thought it would be lulz to dress up like Jumpman and do stupid shit out in the real world. No bombs were defused even though lots of grunts, oohs and ahhs take place throughout the 8:38 waste of time that you will never get back, ever again.
See Also
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