Blastoise

Blastoise and his 2 pussy pre-evolutions.

Blastoise is own, and the higher level ones have powers that surpass even the mudkips.

Things would be different round here if Blastoise was my dad...

Card Text

Blastoise evolves from Wartortle.

• Pokémon Power: Chocolate Rain Dance: As often as you like during your turn, dance around like you're having a seizure and wave this fucking card to your opponent because he wishes he had one. This power can not be used if you are Asleep, Confused, or Paralyzed.
• Shoop da Whoop: Does over 9000 hit points of damage.
• Dildo: Rapes you with his 2 giant cannons.

Symbolism

This Pokémon may be steeped in symbolism (but it isn't), even more so than any other Pokémon. Blastoise as a meme came about after a miraculous post on the very popular image board 4chan (see gallery below) but the knobeye who made this article forgot to include this vital piece of information. The "evolution" of a childish, often rebellious form of life into a being with a hard outer shell, aggressive attitude, thick-ass tail and rotund belly may be directly correlated with the growth of teenage females into the hardheaded, fat-ass, aggro bitches known as "women". Observe the powerful lactation in female Blastoises from both barrels. For cereal. So just get the fuck out of his WAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blastoise IRL

Blastoise is a firm ally in the fight for lulz. He tricked the jews into doing 9/11 not only because the WTC was believed to be a stronghold of anti-lulz at the time, but also because the elimination of a group of people just for their heathenish beliefs is a fun thing to do. Blastoise also killed Tom Cruise in an epic battle, only to see Cruise revived by L. Ron Hubbard. Once given new life, Cruise proceeded to banish Blastoise to the netherworld.

Recently Blastoise has been spotted in a small village called Kaster in Belgium. He was reported to be roaming around at night and has currently raped and murdered 65 men. Police are baffled to the point that they believe it is a man dressed up as Blastoise but we all know Blastoise is taking a well deserved ass-kicking vacation. [1]

Card History

It is the second most rare and powerful piece of cardboard crap in existence, the first having been shotgun mouthwash. There are only a few said to be still in existence. Blastoise causes great things to happen. Hillary Clinton has read many books about the use of the Blastoise cards and may plan to use it during the next election against Cheryl Lindsey Seelhoff if she bitches too much.

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As you can see here, the child instantly realizes the danger he is in. But it's too late. He is instantly thrust from screams of terror to fits of manic laughter as the deadly force that is Blastoise consumes him. He instantly becomes a fag. Notice the child's uncanny resemblance to Daxflame.

Mega Blastoise

Last Thursday, GameFreak revealed this awe-inspiring image to the world. News about X and Y was slow... too slow, but then THIS THING, along with it's two homies, got a Mega Evolution - a new mechanic that allows Pokemon to transform temporarily during battle.

Look at this motherfucker. It's Blastoise. But you better shit your fucking pants, because Blastoise just mega-evolved into MEGA-MOTHER-FUCKING BLASTOISE!!!1!! Remember when he had two cannons on his shell? NOW, HE HAS TWO ON HIS ARMS AND ONE BIG GIANT FUCKING CANNON ON HIS SHELL!!! IT'S LIKE A POKEYMANZ WITH GUNZ!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!

So do yourself a favor, and evolve your nigger Blastoise into Mega Blastoise should you ever use him in a battle. Because he will FUCK. YOUR. SHIT. UP.

And don't think for a second that Mega Blastoise is an easy piece of work. He has two other homeboys that now have Mega evolutions, and they will equally fuck you up. But who cares about them, Mega Blastoise is where it's at. He just went DOUBLE NIGGER and you better run while you still can.

Gallery

Hydro Pump Gallery About missing Pics

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  The last thing you see before you die.
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  Even Blastoise can shoop that whoop.
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  Behold the power!

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

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  Rare screenshot of the card.
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  Oh exploitable!
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  Play him off, Keyboard Blastoise!
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  Now available in Lego form.
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  Olympic Flame
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  Ooooh lawdy, child, is dat sum Rule 34?
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  A challenger appears.
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  ...And gets viciously anally raped.
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  ...And then, nine months later, gives birth to this hideous mutant offspring.
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  Behold the power!
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  Blastoise, in his younger days.
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  British PM, David Cameron has a Blastoise, which he deployed to great success during the 2011 London riots.
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  Blastoise putting some niggers in their place.
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  This faggot thought he was hot fuckin' shit, 'til he lost both his motherfucking eyes in a fight with a Blastoise. That'll fucking learn him.
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  Blaistoise IRL
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  Moar liek Blast-TITS, amirite?
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  Why do I exist?
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  Pre-cum gushing from his cannons, Blastoise prepares to annihilate some furry faggot.

See Also

• Pokémon
• Squirtle
• Mudkip
• Seaking
• Pikachu
• Slowpoke
• Ditto
• Cloyster
• Shotgun mouthwash

Blastoise is part of a series on Pokémon [Gotta catch ’em all!Who’s that Pokémon?]
A FUCKING POKEMON Abra	Aggron Aggron	Alakazam Alakazam	Bidoof Bidoof	Blastoise Blastoise
Braixen Braixen	Charizard Charizard	Cloyster Cloyster	Ditto Ditto	Empoleon Empoleon
Empoleon Espeon	Garchomp Garchomp	Gardevoir Gardevoir	Hypno Hypno	Jynx Jynx
Jigglypuff Jigglypuff	Kadabra Kadabra	It's a Kirby, retard Kirby	Koffing Koffing	Lanturn Lanturn	Cunnilingus Lickitung
Lopunny Lopunny	Lucario Lucario	Lugia Lugia	Metapod Metapod	Mewtwo Mewtwo
Mistystuffer Misty	Mudkip Mudkip	Twitch Plays Pokemon Omanyte	Pikaman Pikaman	Pokemon Go Pokémon Go
Swirlface Poliwhirl	Porygon Porygon	Primeape Primeape	Probopass Probopass	JustinRPG Reshiram
Riolu Riolu	FUCK_YEAH_SEAKING Seaking	Shaymin Shaymin	Shiny Pidgey Shiny Pidgey	Slowpoke Slowpoke
Smugleaf Smugleaf	Snorlax Snorlax	Snover Snover	Squirtle Squirtle	Suicune Suicune
Vileplume Vileplume	Xatu Xatu	Zoroark Zoroark

Blastoise is part of a series on Television Visit the Television Portal for complete coverage.