Dustin Diamond
Dustin Diamond✡ is a washed up Jew-froed "celebrity" who formerly co-starred on the Saturday morning television show "Saved by the Bell" and who is now a fat fuck that engages in shit eating with some buffed-up fungus potato that he has christened his "girlfriend." However, something that people DON'T know about is that Dustin, 100 years ago, was a giant internet butthurt drama queen and lulzcow. Before he was an attention whore for VH1 (seemingly, his only employer), Dustin was an attention whore on the internet who embezzled money out of loyal fans suckers and then whined like a little e-bitch about anyone who made fun of him. This has given LJ drama whores a serious run for their money.
Teh Internets is serious Business!
Dustin Diamond complained about some website created by Max Goldberg, YTMND creator, called dustindiamond.com. Dustin's main aggreviance was that he was getting constant butthurt from all the gay fantasies and rape stories that people posted on the guestboard. Complaining that teh internets was serious business, he took the case to Internet court, where he ordered a cease and decease on the website but was unsuccessful, mainly because by now he was a washed up loser, and everyone only watched the show for Kelly and Zack anyway. Since then, other websites have joined in on the lulz that is Dustin Diamond, such as dustindiamondlove.com. Dustin is clear proof that no man has the power to silence teh internets. We are anonymous, we never forget or forgive.
OMGz Save mah Hawse!
Because not enough people hated him, Screech began to run around from Station to Station crying that he was "OMGz about to loze teh hawse!". Naturally, in an attempt to cash in on his attention whore antics, he turned to teh internets once again and began to whine about how he was "almost raped" by some mortgage brokers because his property went up, so he needed money,"lik, about 250,000.00 dollars of it...now". Naturally, it was all bullshit, and when it comes to shit, Screech is one to know. Unfortunately the people who believed him didn't, and ended up coughing up 15 bucks for some cheap t-shirts that read "Save Screeech's House" that they never even received (The extra e was because Screech doesn't even legally own his own name). In the meantime, while lawsuits are still pending against him, Dustin is too busy utilizing his time by being a butthurt attention whore for VH1 and sniffing shit on sex tapes. John Cooper II AKA Radar's Election Campaign Manager wants him to star in his fanfiction-based movie for these reasons[1].
His Best Work to Date...
Dustin Diamond the "Comedian"
You know it's time to throw in the towel when the best and edgiest "joke" you can write is "Fuck Zach and Slater."
Screech gets pwned by French caller on radio show
Nearly Killed by an Angry Black Person
Jew once appeared on the show Celebrity Fit Club, a show to help underprivileged fat has-beens lose weight through diet and exercise. True to form, Dustin basically acted like the whiny little bitch that he is throughout his entire run on the show. By the end of the show, Dustin had managed to piss off everyone he had come into contact with.
But the real lulz were happened afterward outside. The angry nigger saw Dustin Diamond and stopped him threatening to beat him to death with his fried chicken drumsticks and watermelon. He then proceeded to tell him Immah Chargin' Mah Lazor!!!!! And Dustin responded by saying "what!" And then without warning the angry nigger fired his lazor "SHOOP DA WHOOP!" and Diamond was dead.
Made A Sex Tape To Watch With Male Friends = Totally Not Gay
Let’s correct this. I’m not IN a porn. Let’s clear this up here and get the facts straight. The ringtone was obviously, as a comedian, humor. Purely coincidence. Four years ago, I was involved in a group of friends. The World Poker Tour was big at this time and being publicized a lot and everybody wanted to be a poker player, so we started to play it. [We had] all these different guys — CEOs and other people from different industries — and we figured out that one of the things we had in common across all our different professions was our stories of conquests on the road and our antics in that way. So we were all sitting around talking, as guys do, and one of the guys had these outlandish stories. We always said, “That’s not true. That couldn’t be true.” We started talking about Wilt Chamberlain and how he claimed to have slept with 20,000 women, and we said that was absolutely impossible. So this outlandish guy was like, “I’ve done close,” and we were like, “Yeah, right. If you did that and can prove it, we’ll put money in a pot.” You have this bunch of guys, drinking and smoking and hanging out, and different guys are saying, “Yeah, well, if you went out on the road and taped it then you could submit it as proof,” and we started laughing and decided, “Yeah, we can put money in a pot, and the person with the best tape at the end of the month wins the pot.” (As a joke, I said, “We can call it Pokem instead of poker!”) Anyway, [someone asked] how you’d score it, and someone said, “Well, you’d have to have a points system,” so we started tallying up points, and for more exotic maneuvers, you’d get more points for your creativity. It started out as a joke, but a few weeks later, that guy came in and he slammed down a tape. He’d actually gone out and done it. He went over to the dry erase board and started tallying up his points — we watched the tape, of course, because we couldn’t resist; it was too funny. Then another guy did it, and another guy, and eventually I did it. Of course, I had to be the one — probably because of the whole t-shirt campaign and because people think the whole Screech angle is funny — but we ended up finding out that this sleazy guy in L.A. managed to get a copy of this tape. The first thing I was told was that there was some video out there of me and two girls, and my lady was looking to me to explain, but I was like, “That doesn’t really narrow it down a whole lot."
Homosexual Fanbase
For some fucked-up reason, Screech has a massive following in the gay community. His guestbook on his official website went gay within the first couple of entries and has become a beacon to all demented homosexual fans to share their erotic fantasies about Dustbin Diamond and his most famous role as geek Samuel "Screech" Powers. Many of these fantasies involve shit being forced down Screech's throat either by his fans or other members of the Saved by the Bell cast. There are also many queer fantasies about Screech tonguing the anus of Mr. Belding, Screech's real-life gay lover during the mid-1990s. Annual Dumpster Parties have been held in honor of Screech with one lucky participant getting the honor of donning Zubaz and being the center of the spitroast involving other homosexual fans of SbtB dressed as various members of the cast! It is every Dustin Diamond fan's wet dream to one day bestow a Donkey Punch on him and force a shit down his throat.
Gay Relationships on the Rowdy Saved By The Bell Set
Dustin Diamond was subject to many gay relationships on the rowdy Saved By The Bell set. These relationships were committed completely against Diamond's will. Mr. Belding, A.C. Slater, and Zack Morris' father often had queer orgies with Diamond in the Bayside High School locker room while Diamond screamed for help that never arrived. Mr. Tuttle would watch the homosexual violation while masturbating vigorously. It is rumored that Diamond contracted many STDs during these vicious and unprovoked attacks.
Dustin Diamond Creates a Blog to Show Off His Childhood and Family Photos
In June 2007, in an effort to drum up publicity and sympathy after his poorly-received actions on Celebrity Fit Club, place a fake auction on eBay:
- "This is a photo lot of Dustin Diamond and his family. These were found at a swap meet because of a storage facility non payment and repossession. There are photos of Screech when he was a very small baby up till when he got on saved by the bell. There are hundreds of photos.his jr high school diploma and early grade class pictures are also here. I have tried to make contact with the family, spoke with his girlfriend Jennifer on the email and she was going to get back to me and never did. The next owner can try to make contact. I just want what I have into them. Shipping will be $20 for priority mail in the U.S. Good Luck!!"
On July 1st 2007, Diamond submitted a fake anonymous bid on the auction and won with no other bids being made. A quick dumpster party was thrown together to celebrate in which many loads were blasted and many pairs of Zubaz were ripped from the honorary Screech. After a long circlejerking fapathon by Diamond's queer fans, Diamond started uploading the photos onto his purported anonymous blog where queer Screech fans can cum together and blow loads over pictures of Screech's Dad (who looks remarkably like Andy from Little Britain) and his dead retarded brother. Screech has yet to comment on this turn of event, but all expect extreme butthurt when he realizes that his deranged queer fanbase has access to them.
Good night, keep your butthole tight
Twas the night durring Christmas and through the bar, not a sober eye was staring, not even a washed up star. On December 25, 2014, Screech and his fat blue haired fiance went out for a few drinks and got into it with some other drunken assholes. It should be noted as what has been told that for once, Dustin wasn't being a douchebag as he entered the bar with his land whale to enjoy a few drinks.. but knowing he's a 9.1 on the asshole scale,a he probably was on a drunken rant about him being Screech. Be that as it may, a group of drunken DUI fatalities were heckling Dustin and his bitch. Dustin turned and saw two men trying to subdue the hambeast and so Dustin went in rage mode. The story goes he was carrying a concealed knife although he said it was a pen and stabbed one of the guys by the name of Casey Smet. Him and his fiance were arrested and he was charged with a felony. On May 29, 2015, he plead not guilty to the felony and was cleared since Casey Smet's wound was not life threatening. If anything, he was mearly poked and exaderated the stabbing as any drunken cock sucker like Casey, will tell you. However, he was charged with two misdemeaners and is facing up to a year in prison. Hopefully he will survive.. but then again who are we kidding. He will most likely be in service to a lifer with a jerri curl who will force Dustin to call him Slater while his gf guzzles other penises. Time waits for no man and no women waits for a man doing time.
See also
- Loser
- Unfunny
- Luser
- Retarded
- Dane Cook (who is Lenny Bruce compared to Dustin Diamond)
- Carlos Mencia (another fellow joke thief)
- Amy Schumer (an obese rule 63 version of Dustin Diamond; except much worse)
- Lena Dunham (another obese rule 63 version of Dustin Diamond; just as bad as him and Amy Schumer)
- Bob Saget
Links
- dustindiamond.com Official Website.
Dustin Diamond Is a Dick.comSelf-evident.Current Hangout for Dustin's Rabidly Gay Fans- Washed Up Celebrities' entry "Dustin Diamond is the most washed-up celebrity of his generation and one of the most washed-up former child stars in the history of television."
ScreechSucks Where real comics can go to complain about Dustin Diamond's joke theft and overall fail as a "comedian" and human being. Currently redirects to a Twitter account.- Screech Comes to Tavern A review of one of Screech's "comedy" shows. Read it for the lulz!
- Blog of Diamond family photos obtained from eBay auction Because some people will buy anything.
- Dustin Diamond's contract rider at The Smoking Gun Apparently, there are promoters out there who are stupid enough to book this loser.
| Featured article June 30, 2007 | ||
| Preceded by Chris Benoit |
Dustin Diamond | Succeeded by Tyler Dumstorf |
