Guido

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A diagram outlining the finer points of Guidoing.

Guidos, also known as Eye-talians are an invasive species from Italy, a shithole country in Europe. They are a douchebag endemic to the cockroaches on Jersey Shore. However, their distribution and range extends from Florida to New York, especially in cities with a GNC. They display the outward appearance of an oven roasted over-inflated Miami clubfag due to orange spray tan and glow in the dark teeth. They are, however, easily discerned from the former by their vocalizations. Whereas your average club faerie has a high nasal lisp with decent pronunciation, Guido's voices sound like Robert DeNiro singing "Trapped in the Closet" with a donkey boner wedged in his esophagus. It is hypothesized that the two would actually sound the same but the Guido's voice has actually been altered by excessive use of steroids for body building and interference from his collagen injected lips. Despite this, Guido's delude themselves that they are living the Mafioso life style and that they are Dean fucking Martin. The Guido is a close relative to the small and skinny Styla, who mostly pollutes German clubs with his garlic breath and his inflated ego.

Natural Habitat

Is it possible to look any douchier? Unlikely.
Trufax.
Needs moar spray tan.
Guidos are the shit
A Guido and his jabba-like mate.

Guidos can usually be found inside a club sweatily dry-humping other guidos and trannies to bad pop music while chugging Jagerbombs, AMF's (really GHB) and Fuzzy Nipples. A little-known fact is that guidos cannot live unless they are constantly around bad party music and large televisions, which is why you only see them at clubs, bars, tacky apartments, and gyms. Occasionally guidos can actually make it away from these venues for short periods of time to either tan (both spray and in tanning beds) or attend bodybuilding events. Guidos and Guidiets are to the Italian community as Niggers (ghetto black males) and Niggiets (ghetto black females) are to the black community. Both put a permanent shit-stain on their community by being loud-mouthed douche bags and bitches who talk way too much shit and need to be systematically shot.

Origination

Scientists have concluded that guidos are a species from genus Douchebagopithecus, making them relatives to Wegros, Yuppies, Hipsters, and Jocks. Long ago, about when goatse was new, an Italian slut was penetrated by a faggot cosplaying as Vegeta, resulting in an exchange of STDs.

Anthropologists would have studied Guidos farther, except that Guidos aren't even people, so Guido research has to be left to Pathologists.

Pathologists have discovered that it is typical for a Guido to reflect their appearance on their origins, such as having their hair spiked up in a pathetic attempt to look like Vegeta, as well as hosting a massive STD collection. Don't be fooled by their Tribal Tattoos however, as being part of a Tribe implies that they are people, which they are not.

Recently Douchebagopithecus guidensis mutated into a subspecies known only as Guidettensis, though better known simply as Guidettes. They are female in appearance, but only as a way for this pathogen to spread its virus to unsuspecting humans, though you don't have to worry about that because you're never going to have sex in the first place.

Mating

An artist's depiction of two guidos in the process of breeding

Guidos spend 75% of their time and energy on mating (The other 25% is spent moisturizing their balls and working out). Despite the fact that they spend hours per day applying eyeliner and mascara, their eyesight is unusually poor due to their large brow ridges and oversized high cheekbones. Because of this, guidos primarily search out their mates by smell. As a result of this, the primary mates of the guido are the traps, I.A.P.s, and J.A.P.s in that order.

Guido mating season occurs between the hours of 9pm and 4am and is quite elaborate and structured, similar to the dance of the mayfly or the spawning of Pacific salmon. Unlike those two more advanced species, guidos do not collapse and die at the end of the night; rather, their steroids and 'e' keep them awake for unnecessary weeks on end.

Sleep

Guidos rarely sleep; this is mainly because of the prevalence of meth in the Italian-American community. The closest to regular sleep that guidos get comes from after either "crashing" or from being tricked into drinking a GHB-laced Sea Breeze. As guidos age, this black person becomes too hard to maintain and 89% of guidos are on Social Security Disability by age 38 for fibromyalgia; the other 11% develop other forms of passive income.

Diet

It is a little known fact that guidos can't actually swallow anything more substantial than a maraschino cherry because of the constriction in their stomachs due to their overdeveloped abs. Therefore, their diet consists mainly of protein shakes, strange mixed cocktails, vitamin supplements (steroids), Heineken, and muscle relaxants. All their food shopping is done at either GNC or the local pharmacy, which is why you never see guidos in the supermarket.

Typical Guido Names (English)

Male

  • Faggot (The most common name.)
  • Ricardo
  • Anthony
  • Di'Angelo
  • Joey
  • Pauly
  • Frankie
  • Frederico
  • The Situation
  • Nicky
  • Rrrrrricoooooo
  • Teves
  • Scolari
  • Raffael/Rafaello
  • Juan
  • Juande
  • Ramos
  • Ricky
  • Christiano
  • Danillo
  • Roy
  • Ronaldo
  • Pizarro
  • Ronaldinho
  • Fettuccini
  • Vinny
  • Alfredo
  • Linguine
  • Martini
  • Bikini
  • Salazar
  • Bruno
  • Giordan
  • Alvin
  • Tony

Female

  • Madonna
  • Lucia
  • Julietta
  • Bianca
  • Gorgonzola
  • Carmina
  • Bruschetta
  • Sabrina
  • Angelina
  • Carlita
  • Gabriella
  • Snooki
  • Ciabatta
  • Focaccia
  • Sicilia
  • Mozzarella
  • Ricotta
  • Lucrezia
  • Maria
  • Alessandra
  • Godzilla

How to Recognize a Guido

  1. Blowout haircut, permanently heavily gelled, which makes them look like Vegeta or Goku. All they need is some peroxide and they'll be Super Saiyan. Touching their hair will not only throw them into a blind rage, but also leave you wiping off gel for at least 5 minutes.
  2. Diamond earrings and other absurdly priced designer jewelery. Used to attract other men.
  3. Tanned to the point of almost being black person.
  4. Tight shirts to show off their steroid induced muscles.
  5. A cross around their neck (probably also with diamonds). All guidos are very religious. If this isn't enough proof that they're a religious bunch, notice their excessive cursing, drinking, and swallowing of huge dicks.
  6. When someone is about to take a picture of a guido, they automatically tilt their head and make a kissy face. They don't do this on purpose, it's a natural reaction to the camera. Only 2-3 guidos in the history of time have been exceptions to this rule. Experts suggest that they may have been part of a top secret experiment trying to turn them back into normal humans. (Efforts to reintegrate these douchebags to society have been a complete failure since and scientists are now considering mass extermination as one of the few viable options of fixin the problem that are guidos once and for all.)
  7. Doing some retarded mating dance to attract guidettes. The dance is named obviously Guido Frolic which is most likely paired with shitty "Italian" techno music.
  8. Uncontrollable Fist-pumping

How to confuse a Guido

  1. Greet him with "Howdy" instead of "eYOOO!" or "Fuck!".
  2. Switch out his Axe spray with PAM.
  3. Spray Versace Essence Ethereal in the tailpipe of his H2.
  4. Replace his hair gel with tiger balm.
  5. Give him a tank top that fits him.
  6. Cut off all the collars on his polos.
  7. Tell him that the table salt at the club is really cocaine.
  8. Ask him which rockstar he's partying as.
  9. Color in the rest of his beard with sharpie while he's passed out/dead.
  10. Replace his anabolic 'roids with estrogen.
  11. Pull out and cum on his face instead of blowing your load in his ass.


La Galleria Guido About missing Pics
  • at least we know what a guidette looks like
    at least we know what a guidette looks like
  • Now we really know what a guidette looks like
    Now we really know what a guidette looks like
  • Famous for all the wrong reasons.
    Famous for all the wrong reasons.
  • It's spreading...
    It's spreading...
  • Without make-up
    Without make-up
  • A rare Azn Guido
    A rare Azn Guido
  • Guido line of fail
    Guido line of fail
  • The future of United States Naval Aviation
    The future of United States Naval Aviation
[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Famous Guidos

Guidos are the pinnacle of heterosexuality.

French Guidos

Similar to stylas and otherwise known as 'Racaille'. You can only tell Racaille and Guidos apart because Racaille think it's cool to shave tribal designs and words into the back of their permanently gelled up hair. Keep in mind that Racaille are the most chickenshit sub-breed of Guido around and they will rarely ever take anyone up on a proposed fight unless there are fifty over 9000 of them and one of you. Everything before this is however bullshit, as Racailles are french nigras, sand nigras and wigras who act gangsta, black person.

YouTubes

A trip to Guido Beach

Guido Wigger

My New Haircut

A day in the life of a Guido

Your average Guido

GuidoCore : a german band of turkish Guidos

Your average Guido Gamer

The Hotti Brothers' Douchebaggery

They can't be compared to niggers

Guido Mom And Son Expressing Their (Freudian) Love

Previous Video | Next Video

MTV Puts Them On TV

Typical scene from Jersey Shore

For moar information see Jersey Shore

MTV decided that the Guido was next on its list of bullshit that can be exploited for profit. On December 3, 2009, MTV debuted a reality show called Jersey Shore, which follows eight typical Guidos coming from Staten Island (the cesspool from which all Guidos are spawned from) to spend their summer at the Jersey Shore. This tactic has supplyed television with a nightly supply of Guido for the first time in over two years since The Sopranos ended. The show has, predictably, received criticism from the National Italian American Foundation and the residents of the area in response to the eight roommates spreading their faggotry. One of the roommates, Nicole (nicknamed "Snooki"), is currently on Les Tubes under the screenname SnookTv. She is in fact Chilean and not at all Italian which makes some believe she is a secret agent working to expose guidos all day everyday for the lulz.

This show is probably the greatest thing ever aired and it´s greatness can only be accurately measured in WTF´s per minute

See Also

shit never gets old.

External Links

YTMNDS:

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