Japan Crisis of 2011
BREAKING NEWS
THE EARTH AROUND JAPAN IS SPLITTING THE HELL WIDE OPEN
Japan is now in a crisis due to at least 100 aftershocks, a few nuclear explosions, and a gigantic Tsunami.
The Japan Crisis of 2011, currently fansubbed as Tsuclearemmor:RUCKY3 HEAVEN SHINE NOW is the latest development in the Earth's ongoing campaign to destroy Japan. On Friday, March 11, Mother Nature showed up about seven decades late to World War II and decided to finish the job. Beginning with an earthquake, which caused a tsunami, both of which heavily damaged multiple nuclear reactors, leading to mass destruction and panic until everyone stopped giving a shit so they could hate on that Friday song.
How it Happened
Why you shouldn't fuck with Pokémon.
It all started when the nation got its shit rocked by an earthquake, overachieving yet again, trying some sort of record and measuring 8.9 or 9.0 on the Richter scale. While the non-volcano dwelling people of the world sat back and laughed as Nipponites struggled to keep their buildings standing and their frames hanging on the walls, nature reached her limit break. It should also be noted that some believe Japan had actually slammed into a giant iceberg.
The aftermath of the quake triggered a big-ass tsunami that swept through pretty much the entire Pacific coast. Obliterating infrastructure, killing thousands, leaving millions homeless, and worst of all delaying vending machine used school girl panty production by days.
To make matters worse, one of Japan's many nuclear power plants were apparently not built to function after being shaken violently and thrown to the bottom of the sea, and Japs are too fucking retarded to figure out how to plug in new generators in the eight hours they had power after the tsunami. There is a lolternational UNeffort effort to prevent Japan experiencing a Chernobyl, for the third time. Godzilla, giant robots, and cybernetic Biblical aliens are expected to show up in the coming days to finish off whatever remains of the once proud land of tentacle porn and cheap hookers. Weeaboos can look forward to watching their fantasy home be blown to complete utter fucking oblivion over and over in every single movie, tv show, video game, comic, and (lol) book produced by that country for the next 50 years. Stuff like this leaves a mark, desu? Could have been better though, California could have been taken along with it.
One school of thought is that this might not be a bad thing. Before WW2, Japan was all full of backwards rice eating types and after they got dropped by a nuclear bomb they went on to invent all sorts of goodness from the Playstation to the Sega Genesis. Obviously it may be that the best thing they need is a good solid nuclear ass fucking every 50 or 60 years to come rain, shine, tidal wave, or American Bomber: set your Geiger-Counter-Clock for, oh, 2060.
The Damage
Thankfully, BIKECAT has managed to survive the onslaught.
- The anime and manga industries will experience severe setbacks, with fears of the next installment of K-ON! being cancelled
- Video game release dates are expected to be delayed by months
- The hentai industry may not fully recover for a year or more
- Weeaboos the world over will cry fat pocky fueled tears of sorrow
- A cloud of radioactive DOOM should be headed towards Tokyo this week
- Rumors of "Japan edition" expansion packs to Fallout and S.T.A.L.K.E.R.
- The Japanese race will become even more mutated, potentially giving birth to real life catgirls (fingers crossed!)
- White knights will sob tirelessly as Minxy's heavenly boobs will taint the local milk supply with radioiodine
- Madagascar will be closed indefinitely frustrating plagues everywhere
- There's also, like, debris and water covering the whole nation...
- ...oh, and a bunch of people died...
- ...probably not a good time to be looking into real estate investment in Asia, either
- Even though its 5,000 miles away and the wind is blowing in the opposite direction, California has practically collapsed in its own asshole for fear that radioactive Fallout from Japan will rain down on them.
- Americans living throughout Ohio and the midwest of the US are afraid of their nuclear plants being hit by tsunamis.
- Three Mile Island is expected to be hit by a tsunami of French nuclear power plants in the coming months
Despite the high-level pwnage, IRL commentators noted an absence of looting or other such hard partying amongst the bedraggled survivors. While people in a real country would undoubtedly seize the temporary absence of law and order to smash more shit up and rob inundated 7-11s, what did the Japs do? Voluntarily restrain their own non-essential power consumption and form orderly queues for 12 hours to buy essential goods like food, water, and hentai. This does no more than confirm to the rest of the world that the Japanese are emotionless bee-people. That and there is a gigantic penalty for taking lost property and a reward for turning it in. Not that anyone is particularly looking for radiated video games and ricecookers at the moment.
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The Internet Responds
Like all tragic world disasters, it didn't take long for the internet and other various media to churn out some delicious drama. The usual players were all present - /b/ making offensive jokes and crude shops, morally uptight citizens calling for relief aid, and celebrities attention-whoring themselves so they can say unimportant things in front of cameras.
Furthermore, given the lack of information regarding Japan's current well-being, numerous fake death articles have sprung up all over, claiming people such as Shigeru Miyamoto and Norio Wakamoto have died, leading to a surge of panic in weeaboo-centric areas of the internet.
These events are divine payback for Pearl Harbor, and the trolling opportunities are ample from whatever direction you approach the situation. It's a Dramacrat's dream.
