Krautchan

Krautchan

Foundation	May 1st, 2007
Major Boards	/int/, /b/, /c/,
Epic Wins	its pure existence, Master IRL trolling
Website	krautchan.net

What Krautchan looks like when it's dead.

Butter, worshipped as a god on Krautchan.

Krautchan was founded back in 1945 by moot's grandfather after he had to leave Germany when his career took a little downturn. Krautchan has always been called Krautchan. It's yet another attempt at establishing a German Imageboard where you meet friendly Germans that welcome you in a friendly manner. Typically, there are around anywhere between four and seven different people active, so don't expect too much traffic. Things change every time the Russians and Finns decide to provide it with content.

They've also taken part in Project Chanology 2008.

On September 13th 2008, the death of Krautchan was announced. It lasted exactly one day. There was never a satisfactory explanation and most of the resident basement dwellers were too busy recovering from the shock to demand one, anyway.

April 15th 2010: After Berlinbernds presentation at a Blogger conference in Berlin the main page of Krautchan was replaced to disrupt the inevitable spread of cancer. This was successful for at least 2 hours, untill Verraeterbernd announced the new location on Twatter.

Structure

Current boards

Like other chans, Krautchan offers a variety of boards the world will never need, confusing its never-growing user base of four Nazis and two chatbots. Most of these boards are blatant rip-offs from other chans, while some are the fruit of Bernd's own twisted mind.

VIP

/b/ - Home of Bernd, this is an experimental board better not to fuck with. Please support it with depictions of beauty and human superiority.
/int/ - Originally created as /uk/ to provide a temporary home for Britfags while Britchan was down. Now it's filled with a wide range of foreigners who used to make fun of Poland. They are also more than happy to teach you about the wonders of ~~Esperanto~~ Russian. Welcome to OMSK. Some argue that /int/ is now a cesspool of Russians, Finns, Americans, Poles, 4channers and their memes. Local celebrities include Falcofag, Wojak, Amerirage/NordAmerikano, Cirnorussia, Pedo-Kazakhstan, Emokiddeh and others nobody cares about.

General

/a/ - Official Weeaboo hideout.
/c/ - A board about Precision Engineering and all the vidya gaems that are banned in Germany. Show your E-penis here or stay the fuck out, you have been warned.
/d/ - Here be drugs. Since it's a German board, you will find plenty about natural byproducts.
/e/ - Post images of your food and discuss several ways of eating cum.
/fb/ - Get advice on how to finally lay a real girl.
/fit/ - The Board on which Bernd talks about never doing any sports, although some write fanfics about exercising.
/he/ - Offical emo board for Bernd to whine about all his interesting problems he encounters in RL, from academic failures to failing at getting laid.
/k/ - Rarely visited Board with a lot of potential. All kinds of creative shit goes here.
/l/ - A place to discuss literature.
/li/ - Homosexuality.
/m/ - Music. ZOMG file sharing!
/p/ - Very serious board to ramble about politics, home of conspiracy theorists.
/t/ - Engineering. Mostly cars and mobile phones
/tv/ - A board dedicated to movies and TV shows Bernd refuses to watch. Mostly foreign stuff, obviously, since Germany is unable to produce any worthwhile entertainment.
/we/ - whine about your shitty live.
/wp/ - cats and nazis in wallpaper size

Trial

/f/ - discussion about cars and stuff.
/jp/ - Weeaboo overdose
/sp/ - hideout of Magic and Dungeons & Dragons playing Neckbeards.
/x/ - UFO and ghost sightings

Fapping material

/h/ - If Your Mom doesn't want you to look at /s/ and you think three dimensional women are disgusting anyway, this is your board of choice.
/s/ - The only good thing about Krautchan. (Actually it's mostly boring)

Other

/kc/ - Where to harass the mods until they create stupid new boards nobody will ever lurk on. Also the right place to politely comment on the beauty and smart functionality of the underlying software.

Deleted boards

/ps/ - Photoshop template circle jerk. Deleted because Germans prefer to steal memes and image macros rather than creating them by themselves.
/w/ Mk.I - A board about weapons. Deleted when they realized that nobody is allowed to own weapons in Germany anyway.
/w/ Mk.II - Board for discussion of science and ecchi (yes, seriously). Deleted for obvious reasons.
/t/ - A board about animals. Wasn't really worth the trouble because the only animals Germans seemed to like were run over and burnt cats.
/cam/ - camwhores - Krautchan has none
/f/ - women
/tw/ - animals
/vip/ - family-friendly version of /b/. failed attempt to fight TEH CANCER

Administration

As of today, there are three handsome guys to be blamed for the cancer that is the existence of Krautchan.

Shaky - Seems to host the site on his private server in Florida.
Tsaryu - Primarily known for shitty emo anime-oriented poems he posted all over the net at least 100 years ago, ask him about these for the lulz. Knows how to moonspeak.
Der General - Keeps an eye on the superior Desuchan software Krautchan is running on.

Subculture

Fritzl, immortalized in a flash game for faggots.

Bernd

Anonymous is called Bernd on Krautchan, which is a somewhat common and bland sounding first name in Germany. While descending from Anonymous, the average Krautchan user is even more special. Since the creation of lulz is an IRL bannable offense in Germany, many Germans are unaccustomed to the concept of free speech and upon discovering Krautchan, their first impulse often seems to be posting everything that's verboten in their home country (which includes pretty much anything that you could imagine, and then some) until they collapse from exhaustion. After this catharsis, they may either stay and become valued members of the community or go back to the anime shithole they came from.

In general, Bernd is much more helpful, patient and polite than Anonymous (as long as you post in a language other than English), and quite proud of his own raids against international corporations, Animexx and evil nazi black person.

The known mortal enemies of Bernd are Schäuble, "Ammischweine", INUVASHUN and freedom

AIDS

Since at least one user of Krautchan reportedly has AIDS, Krautchan can proudly call itself an imageboard officially full of AIDS now.

Fritzl

To keep the memory of great Australian hero Josef Fritzl alive, Bernd has recently created a digital likeness of him in Habbo Hotel, serving the community by offering helpless little girls shelter in his basement in exchange for sexual favors.

Fritzl 2

They returned a year later, and raided Habbo Australia and Habbo Germany. Raid was about an hour. After 40 minutes, people pulled out. Some lulzy trolling occurred in the last 20 minutes. A hueg Swastiget was in Australia, and a smaller one in Germany.

File:Ciepła twarz.png

Memes

/b/

Starting out with a handful of copied and horribly translated memes from other sites, Bernd has now evolved to the point where he's able to create content that is at least as unfunny as everybody else's. Should you ever have to visit Krautchan, these phrases will help you communicate with the natives:

Halt die Fresse (HDF) - shut the fuck up (STFU)
Geh grillen - kill yourself / become an hero
Soße / Qualle - sauce
Meer - moar
Lauer meer - lurk moar
Fagott spielen - being a fag
Salih - a dead sandnigger, most likely the best meme on Krautchan.

Further protips:

Use Babelfish, which can translate from English to German with almost native fluency.
To improve translation quality, use Babelfish more than once (e.g. English->Japanese->Hebrew->German).
Read the article about Germany and make extensive use of copypasta. Efficiency is the key.
Be sure to mention the war.

/int/

Polandball
That feel when (English that feeling, Chanspeak my face when). This phrase and the picture of a worried bald MS PAINT guy has been isolated from one of the Wojak's quality threads about seeking and trying to find a girlfriend. Since its outbreak in early 2010, this "meme" and its derivations become one of the most used on /int/.
REMOVE (x) FROM PREMISES tupac alive in serbia ( YouTube link) was first introduced to /int/ by some macedonian from Istambul called "Sergej".

An ode to That Feel

Games that are being played by international bernds:

Title	Year introduced to KC	Link and notes
Praetorians	2009	link. A simple battle strategy.
Age of Empires	2010	Strategy game.

Tim Kretschmer Krautchan hoax

The hoax itself

On March 11th 2009, D-Dorf-Bernd used his mad photoshop skills to fake a message from german shooting star Tim Kretschmer in which he allegedly describes his intention to crack Cho's highscore. The stupid German police fell for it and the home secretary read the fake posting in a press conference. Later the posting was verified as being authentic after they seized Tims computer. Every major German news show subsequently quoted the fake post while Bernd met in IRC and fapped his dick off.

On the next day, the tiny Krautchan servers couldn't handle the internet fame, and their server is down for the time being.

They decided however to share the epic thread with the rest of the world.

After media learned about their error, they based their reporting on peer reviewed articles in an internet encyclopadia. ( "Anonymous is called Bernd on Krautchan, which is a somewhat common and bland sounding first name in Germany. ", encyclopaedia dramatica -> "Im US-Forum heißen aus diesem Grund fast alle Nutzer "Anonymous", bei Krautchan.net erfüllt diesen Zweck der Name "Bernd", Stern, "Während auf dem wohl bekanntesten Imageboard 4chan alle User als «anonymous» posten, sind sie in der deutschen Variante Krautchan als «Bernd» unterwegs.", netzeitung, "..., sondern können Beiträge grundsätzlich anonym unter dem Namen „Bernd“ (beziehungsweise „Anonymous“ in den USA) veröffentlichen." ntv.)