LBC Lulz News/E3 Day 1, By "The Guy"
6 June 2011
E3 2011 Day 1
By THE GUY
Now I know what you are thinking, "Who the fuck is The Guy? He sounds like some douchebag with USI." I'm going to answer that right now...I AM THE GUY, YOU WHORE. And I am the LBC's new gaming columnist. I'm the person who will be telling you what the fuck is happening down at E3. And I will tell you EXACTLY what you should care about and why. I will also tell you when you should rage like a bitch with PMS. As the day goes by, I will update this page with new shit. So you better fucking watch asshole.
So apparently the next Nintendo console, which is known as the Fucking Project Cafe (which is a homosexual name, even when compared to the fucking Wii) is going to have a controller with a touchscreen inside it. WHAT THE FUCK NINTENDO. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING DOING. Jesus fucking christ, if I want to play on a DS I will play on a DS. I can already tell now that Nintendo's next console is not going to be "hardcore". If the Fucking Project Cafe is hardcore, then so is Angry Birds. I can't wait until Nintendo's press conference when they're gonna announce their next hardcore game, Cooking Mama Infinite. Or some shit like that. I don't know.
Halo 4. Halo. 4. WHAT. Microsoft, what is this? HALO 4?! No. NO. I thought that we FINISHED THE FIGHT in Halo 3. AND NOW WE'VE GOT TO FINISH IT...AGAIN?! Bungie, you fucking jew whores. YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF FUCKING JEW RATS!
As if Halo 4 wasn't enough, we have another Call of Duty. Call of Duty MW3. It's just like Activision to do this. They run their most successful IPs into the ground by releasing too many sequels. Why not try a fucking original idea for once you fucks?
I am just so pissed off with Microsoft. Showing off their new Xbox Live...I don't give a fuck. And Ryse? What the fuck is a "Ryse"? Why are you making a game about the fall of Rome Crytek? Why the fuck is it Kinect enabled? The Kinect is a baby's toy. I guess the Halo remake is ok. It's better than FUCKING HALO 4!
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, the Kinect. I thought 2011 was going to be the year of hardcore Kinect games? Of course 2010 was supposed to be as well. Yeah, whenever I think "hardcore" I think of Dance Central 2 and Kinect Sports 2.
Then we have Battlefield 3. It already wins GOTY 2011. It's so realistic I thought I was back in Iraq with the rest of the Marines. Yes I am a former Marine. If you don't believe me give me your address so I can show you fuckface.
Yeah, EA's press conference was pretty good. But I still can't get over how stupid Microsoft's conference was. God. It was like being under a diarrhea waterfall. Fucking Kinect games. Fucking Ryse. Fucking Halo fucking 4. Fuck.
Sony's press conference surprised me: It wasn't shitty. Uncharted 3, Resistance 3...good stuff. I still hate the Move though. And what is this retarded medieval game? Why the hell does the medieval guy have ninja stars? And the title...Medieval Moves? The guy who showed it off was the same guy who was responsible for E3 2006's Giant Enemy Crab debacle. He is as boring to listen to as ever. Why didn't Sony fire his ass? Maybe it was to humiliate him by forcing him to show off some crap games.
Also, Jack Tretton pisses me off. I don't even know why. Just...fuck him.
Then they had the faggots behind EVE present some shit called Dust. I used this time for a bathroom break, but even if I had seen it, I still would have thought the same thing: it sucks.
They then showed us Bioshock Infinite. It was good and all, but I kept thinking what they meant by using the Playstation Move to interact with Elizabeth......yeah, I will definitely buy that game.
Then they talked about some Star Trek shit. I used this time to grab a beer.
Hey, it's Kazuo Hirai. Wait, HE still has his job?! The fuck?!
The PSP follows me everwhere. God, you are so creepy Hirai. Go back to your goddamn Ridge Racer asshole.
And NGP=Playstation Vita? Like Velveeta? Also, it seems they took a cue from Chris-Chan, because they kept talking about Playstation Vita being a life changing thing and shit. Fucking life upgrades. Fucking AT&T. Fuck.
Well, at least the games didn't look too bad. They don't have any Ridge Racer this time, so that's an improvement.
Then they had a shit DJ. And that was it.
To sum it up, as one Gamespot viewer said, "great shoe sony blew microsoft out of the water in my opion"
