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| Voting System | Review System | Lulzy Games & Videos | Trolls | "Blammed" | Achieve #1 All-Time |
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The ranking score of each Flash movie and game in the hierarchy of shit, is determined by how highly users rate it. There is a choice of two ratings a viewer can bestow upon Newgrounds movies: 0 and 5. There are also buttons for 1, 2, 3 and 4 but one would have to be a faggot to actually deem a flash somewhere between perfect and total shit.
HINT: There are many surefire ways to make the Jewgrounds public adore your effort as much as or EVEN MORE THAN an average Clock Crew submission, but none are more effective that these: an ideal way to inspire the masses to give your Flash effort a FIVE is to haphazardly throw in a bunch of stick figures killing and/or sodomizing each other over a Papa Roach song, as well to include any or all of the words "Sonic," "Mega Man," "Penis" or "X" in the title.
Alternatively, one could reupload the exact same animation 42 times and call it a "series". Ex.
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Flash reviews operate on a similar basis as the VOET FIEV system, except that scores can go up to 10 instead of 5. Once again, and this cannot be stressed enough, YOU SHOULD ONLY EVER GIVE A FLASH EITHER 0 OR 10. Doing anything else would be a waste of voting power and most likely get your review deleted.
You should also make certain you swear as much as you can and always proofread your review to ensure that it's spelled as poorly as humanly possible. Using all caps is also a guaranteed way to get noticed.
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YOU FUCKING DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING ASSHOLE! Fuck, that was some of the sickest piece of mthrfcking shit I ever saw! You got NO sense of humor you bitch! This ain't like a litlle destructibe, It's fucking revolsing! Overall score: 0 |
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That show was reaaaaaalllllyyy FUNNY! Way didnt sye pik cell it is a good fighter! Overall score: 10 |
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Fix yout flash Need do fix your portal Overall score: 2 |
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OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK OK That was ok but WAT WAS IT ALL ABOUT THAT WAS THE WEIRDEST THING IN THE WORLD I MEAN HOLY S#$T NO ONE CAN GET OUT TROBLE JUST BECAUSE..AWW FORGET IT Overall score: 5 |
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But every so often, a user will take it upon himself to crawl and claw his way beyond the humble expectations of stupidity that are a given when reviewing a piece of Flash on Jewgrounds. And if one was to see such a review as that, one would smile and think it a great leap forward for a website famous for great leaps backwards.
And then one would glance at the flash that was under scrutiny, and one would weep with sorrow for the reduction of all expectations to exactly the same point as when the whole ordeal had begun: Before one's tear-streaked face, a six-paragraph opus to the letter "B".
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Absolutely brilliant. When looked upon by inexperienced critiques, one might wonder why such a work of art deserves a high score. But, if one looks in depth and with a high degree of intellectual insight, we can see exactly what makes this work brilliant. My interpretation of the piece, as follows, regarding the very structure and sustenance in which art like this thrives; will be -- I believe, revealing to those that fail to understand the beauty of the B. The first thing that strikes me as I look upon the B is that one notices it is not quite to the centre of the canvas -- in fact, the B is maligned and off-kilter, slightly to the upper left of the centre of the piece. I believe that this was done on purpose to convey the underlying theme of the piece, that of chaos and unorthodoxy, that of irreverence and rebellion. The artist is trying to convey the message that our world is not perfect, that each one of the many peoples of this earth must work together for a humane, constructive effort to ensure the betterment of our civilization, and our future. This theme is predominately reflected by the simple choice of colour for the B, that of a pure, mathematically perfect red. When viewing the piece, the average audience member might simply interpret red as fury, anguish, and aggression. But, due to the exact and calculated nature of the red used in this work, I offer that it portrays itself moreover as knowing and confident, acting out of will and intellect, not arrogance and bravado. This is where the genius of the artist comes out, that such as rebellious and vulgar colour can be seen as precise, and civilized. As for the white background, one might interpret it as more of a clear, sterile, and forced utopia. I recall images of Huxley's and Zamyatin's nightmares as they reflect upon the background. It portrays the B, almost as a lone child wandering off into the wilderness, being pushed to perform inhumane tasks by his cruel masters. The emptiness and lack of conscience is contrasted by the will and soul of the B. A nightmare indeed, but one that haunts us all. When we notice that the choice of the letter, B, out of all twenty-six in the English alphabet was chosen, we must wonder why. Before I get into that, let me offer some rationale and evidence from further examination of the B itself. When looking at the typeface, we immediately realise that it is of a serif font, most likely Times New Roman or Bookman Antiqua. We also notice that the B is a capital B, not a lowercase one. Thus, I suggest that this implies a struggle for power and control, over the most likely antagonist: A. Because of its Roman nature and status, we assume that the B is of a high-rank lieutenant in some corporate atmosphere, but has the desire and will to become the very best, to overthrow the A and in turn, become first. B does not settle for second place. B does not accept anything other than perfection. B is disgusted by the corruption and inability to function by A, and B plots to end the reign of the A. This is the horrible truth, the truth that all of us hold true. For yet, life is only a struggle for more and more power, control, and wealth. This is but my interpretation. Yet, I would argue that many more would hold this opinion as well. Although close to perfection, I do not believe that this work deserves a perfect ten for a few reasons. Despite its succinct and flawless simplicity, it lacks of literary elements that give more power and gusto to the artist's voice. Though violins and cellos alike can perfect a string quartet, the clarinet is left in the dark, as its own timbre holds back its performance. Though this work is like the clarinet, struggling to match the power of the strings, it does come very, very close. Though, through wavering willpower and diminishing strength, it does not achieve the goal it set out to reach. But in effect, I bow to the beauty and elegance that enriches the entire performance, for it is this work of art that truly dominates the entire concert. Overall score: 10
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—An actual review of the letter B. | ||||
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Recently, a group of retards and fags emigrated from JewTube and began to spam the Newgrounds Flash review boards with the same tired copypasta review, over and over again:
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Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me? |
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It goes on for over 9000 paragraphs of spam before ending. These reviews should have been deleted, but Tom Fulp, being the Jew faggot wanna-be-black person he is, has not deleted any of these reviews(save for mine) and actually disabled his mods from doing shit about it until a few months after it started. Because of this, a bunch of fag users began freaking out about it, causing mass chaos on the portal and leading to Bigbadron killing a negro. As a result of seeing all this go down, ED is now asking you all to add to the super lulz by spamming the entire Teddy review (found at the flash links below) a couple billion times to piss off the meatspin lovers on Jewgrounds.
Look for the full "Teddy" review to copy and paste in your own malicious reviews of EVERY SINGLE FLASH in Jewgrounds history to piss the off the virgins who have nothing else to do but read through Flash reviews on Jewgrounds all day.
Hi, I am Teddy. Once you read this you cannot get out. Finish reading this until it is done! As I said, I am Teddy. I am 7 years old. I have no eyes and blood all over my face. I am dead. If you don't send this to at least 12 people I will come to your house at midnight and I'll hide under your bed. When you're asleep, I'll kill you. Don't believe me?
Patty Buckles Got this e-mail. She doesn't believe in chain letters. Well, Foolish Patty. She was sleeping when her TV started flickering on and off. Now she's not with us anymore. Ha ha patty, Ha ha! You don't want to be like Patty, do you?
George M. Simon Hates chain mail, but he didn't want to die that night. He sent it to 4 people. Not good enough George. Now, George is in a coma, we don't know if he'll ever wake up. Ha ha George, Ha ha! Now, do you want to be like George?
Valarie Tyler She got this letter. Another chain letter she thought. Only had 7 people to send to. Well, That night when she was having a shower she saw bloody Mary in the mirror. It was the BIGGEST fright of her life. Valarie is scarred for life.
Derek Minse This is the final case I'll tell you about. Well, Derek was a smart person. He sent it to 12 people. Later that day, he found a $100.00 bill on the ground. He was premoted to head officer at his job and his girlfriend said yes to his purposal. Now, Katie and him are living happily ever after.The have 2 beautiful children.
Send this to at least 12 people or you'll face the consequences.
0 people- You will die tonight
1-6 people- you will be injured
7-11 people- you will get the biggest fright of your life
12 and over- you are safe and will have good fortune!
Do What Teddy Says!!!! Hurry, you must send to 12 people before midnight
tonightIn fact, now that its full text is available here on ED, you have no excuses not to waste several fruitless hours of your life relentlessly posting the review into every single Jewgrounds submission, evar. Get to work, faggot.
In addition to Teddy, "Sarah" spam reviews have also begun to clog up the Jewgrounds Servers, as well as many other long, and unintelligible chain letters from people who actually believe the stupid shit that's been written in the letters.
The following links will take you directly to an endless series of spam messages, which can with little to no effort be copypasta'd many times, thereby perpetuating the shittiness.
Of course, the ease with which Jewgrounds users, as evidenced in the Spam reviews abov, and the Forum example below, are able to be trolled should have been an indicator that the Teddy reviews would become a ubiquitous and successful trolling attempt — Jewgrounders are so head-slappingly gullible that even the most blatant of trolls will fool a good percentage of users.
A wise old man once said while lying on his deathbed, in the process of filling up his Depends to the point of leakage, "Stupid begets stupid." If ever there were a statement more perfectly descriptive of the Jewgrounds Flash Portal environment, it should be considered a personal challenge to discover it, copyright it and then sell it to Jewgrounds's webmaster to use as the site's slogan, for massive profit.
The current slogan of the site, while generic and and reeking of corporate decision-making, is hardly a universal or even a half-truth about the site, because "Everything" would seem to imply that alongside the endless stick figure brawls, video game parodies and Alliterative Flash group efforts, there might actually be something of quality.
In reality, there is not, and in all likelihood, there never will be. [NOW YOU ARE ENLIGHTENEDThis is why the old, pre-redesign slogan seems so much more truthful to the Jewgroundian character]
Although the majority of the content on the Flash Portal is well below the standard for mental retardation, not every piece of shit makes into the Portal, as several submissions are relegated to the "Obituary" or "Graveyard" section of Jewgrounds on a daily basis. These are rare instances which indicate a true failing at life. If a fucking stationary letter B or a stolen gif of a flapping cock can be accepted - even hoisted on an e-pedestal - but an actual animation you "worked hard" to complete cannot, you may wish to reconsider your choice to continue breathing. It does not take much to impress the 13 year old boys who inhabit Jewgrounds, yet you still proved that you are capable of failing miserably at even the most remedial task.
These turds among turds can easily be identified by author's comments consisting of begging for high scores, the grammar of a 6th grader with a D average, the phrase, "this is my first attempt at flash," beginning every sentence like a dumb cunt with words such as "so," "liek," "um," "err," and "yeah," and overall cum-gurgling faggotry.
The #1 slot in the portal was at one time a prestigious award. Now it's just a spot held by video game parody Flashes five-bombed by 13-year-old boys. To achieve this esteemed position though Flash Cartoon creation, the following steps must be followed to the letter:
Examples:
