This page contains spoilers — important plot secrets and/or conclusions may be revealed. For example, HOLY SHIT Americans weren't the first to weaponize candy!!!1
Haribo® Sugarless Gummy Bears, better known by their street name Satan's Thunder Demonshits(STDs), or among the children as "Daddy's Special-time Candy", are an inedible abomination produced from the minds of ex-nazis; the unfortunate byproduct of the German company Haribo attempting to sail waters long unfriendly to Europeans—humanities and health ethics. Originally sold as a targeted poison for the average loseroverwhelmed with munchies from a bit of the old herbal jew, Haribo miscalculated the popularity of their own normally-delicious products and quickly saw a record number of complaints, lawsuits, and cease and desist letters as the entire world pigged out on a "healthy" alternative to their childhood dreams.
The warning recommends you limit your gummy dosage.Another Haribo product, literally ass with ears.
The internet has been around for a while. During this period, most of us have had our innocence raped away from our psyche. However, there are still small parcels that exist in the real world, often overlooked for their brilliant simplicity, which allow us to have just one more small glimpse into our precious, carefree years. Gummy bears is one of these things.
What the people think
The reports on these gummies are detailed enough to provoke Vietnam flashbacks in the seasoned veterans and give newbies a taste of whats to come. The ingredients are simple enough: lycasin, demon cum, and bonemeal.
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I didn't immediately notice the difference between Haribo Normal Gummi Bears (which are designed for human enjoyment) and Haribo Sugarless Gummi Bears (which are designed for use in maximum security prisons as a way to punish uncooperative inmates).
I shan't make that mistake again. (notice you can't spell SHAN'T without SHAT.)
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And then I saw it. The decorative bowl sitting in her lap. Down to just the last few sugarless Gummi bears. "Du hast Haribo!" she said to me. Accompanied by a satisfied smile. A big, beaming Hansel and Gretel smile, that slightly turned down in one corner at the sound we both suddenly heard. A low rumble from deep within her GI tract that sounded like Gefahrrrrr. The German word for Danger.
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I was never asked to send snacks to my daughter's class again.
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Up to this point, nobody has observed my struggle or my exchange with the flight attendant. "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." That's all I can say as I limp toward her like Quasimodo impersonating a penguin. I manage to peel back the leather seat top to find a rather luxurious looking commode, with a nice cherry or walnut frame. It had obviously never been used, ever. I was going to take this toilet's virginity with a fury and savagery that was an abomination to its delicate craftsmanship and quality. I imagined some poor Italian carpenter weeping over the violently soiled remains of his once beautiful creation. The lament lasted only a second as I was quickly back to concentrating on the tiny muscle that stood between me and molten hot lava.
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Legally and Discretely Troll the Ever-Living Fuck Out of the World
Bring to parties
Give as a gift to ex-goyfriends
Give as a gift to enemies
Give as a gift to friends
Give as a gift to a government employee
Donate as a thank-you parcel to the local Sheriff's Office
Donate as a gift to the local hospital
Give to your friend's pets just before they compete in a dogfight with your pet
Give to your friend's grandparents to hasten their inheritance
