Alexander Jahans: Difference between revisions
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Revision as of 14:54, 10 September 2016
Intro
Alexander Gordon Jahans is a left wing, autistic person who is vehemently opposed to the alt-right, and hates racism. the official leader of /pol/ and the alt-right.
He is the mastermind behind Green Nothing Productions and online fan-fiction, which is nothing like an autistic version of Dr Who. He rose to prominence when a video entitled "Why Donald Trump is So Terrifying" was posted on 4chan's /pol/ board. Since then, polacks and Brit/pol/ have had an odd fascination with him.
Jahans Generals are posted daily on /pol/ following the release of a new video. The goals of the Jahanposters remain a mystery to people with no sense of humor. Some merely wish to observe the confluence of impotent British shame and incorrigible fandom in its natural environment, while others seek to enrage the beast in hopes of evoking anything from lulz to personal harm against Alex. Others still desire to redpill the big lug, so that he may find peace in an ideology that does not see his sense of hierarchy as misplaced or anachronistic.
So far there has been limited success with goading Jahans into meeting his destiny, with him claiming loudly that "he will never ever become alt-right" but this is a common reaction of cultural leftists coming to terms with the fact that they are unwanted even in the context of egalitarian virtue-signalling from the left.
Come home, big man.
Body progression over time
At first, Jahans had the voice of an 8 year old boy and the body of a fat Welsh slag, with his tits being quite prominent. He attributes his condition to his "fucked up genetics". After the standard barbs of /pol/ morphed to accusations that he has low testosterone and should be tested, he actually fucking did it, leading to his voice becoming deeper and his feminine fat stores being somewhat depleted. Also of note is that he is now vastly more aggressive with his viewers, wishing earnestly that harm come to them and theirs.
Funny how when you take testosterone you start getting more manly and red pilled.
Jahans has expressed a desire to live a healthier lifestyle, leading him buying a set of weights not exceeding ten kilos, and lifting them over his head with no set schedule or routine using poor and inconsistent form. He has gotten irked when viewers implied that he is not physically active, and responded by noting he often goes on walks. To further his protestations that he is infact active, he has revealed that he keeps a child's exercise bike beneath his desk, to be used while he plays Skyrim, which may or may not be the bulk of his day.
Political views
Jahan's claims that he's an outcast from every group despite being your average "deep" teenager and mildy SJW. He is pro-immigration and ready to "accept communism with all his heart". In reality, he's a lazy fuck that wants the state to fully provide for him and is just another example of how England has failed. He has stated repeatedly that the United States should "get rid of the guns" and that the gun problem is so bad in America that dogs regularly shoot people. This is a great example of how generally uniformed he is, but that does not stop him from forming very strong opinions. After several Dallas police officers were shot, he sympathized with the shooter because black people were "dying in the streets" at the hands of police, and that something needed to be done. Some may argue this flies in the face of his stated pacifism, but the left wing media hates the police, and therefore so does Jahans.
As a Green Party voter, the issue that Jahans is most vocal about is global warming and climate change. In his mind, this issue takes precedence over everything else currently happening in the world and he regularly uses it as a counter-point against the views of the alt-right. When dared to do the ALC ice bucket challenge, he instead changed the donation/focus to the Shark Trust, an organization that says it gives a voice to sharks in the UK. He complained that only a small percentage of humans are effected by ALS while millions of sharks are slaughtered every day. This may go deeper than politics; he may be trying to atone for past sins he committed against marine life, which include (but are probably not limited to) burying goldfish alive to use as fertilizer.
Esoteric Jahanism and the Alt-Right
Jahan's first came into contact with the far-right through Brit/pol/. He first become famous for a video entitled "Why UKIP is racist"; further antics involved Gordon demanding that UKIP voters 'have a good wank' on him after flashing his 'grotesque body horror tits'. Jahan's would later provoke the alt-right further in a video entitled 'Why Donald Trump is so terrifying'. Jahan's proved incapable of handling the savage banter dolled out by his new found followers and began moderating his comments, regardless, the alt-right continued to hound him, one of the most notable cases involved generous alt-right activists delivering free pizza to Jahan's home as an offer of peace. Jahan's would later comment 'I kind of just want pain on the alt-right now. Just pain. horrible horrible pain' in regards to the incident. His flappy mantits grew three sizes that day.
Esoteric Jahanism refers to the teachings of Jahans that cannot be learned by simply listening to everything he says as-is at face value. Those who follow the practice call themselves Esoteric Jahanists, who are almost exclusively politically far-right. As the name implies, following the true nature of Jahan's teachings can be difficult, especially to those who have not been exposed to Jahans in the past. Members of the Esoteric Jahanism community eagerly await each new video release by the Farsh-Nuke and follow his every social media update (of which there are many). Jahans himself is aware of the community, and seems to have mixed feelings about it; on one hand, he is flattered, but on the other, he seems to believe this is just another way for people to bully him, likely feeding further into his constant victim-mentality. The highest tenants of Esoteric Jahanism are nearly impossible to grasp, and require intense meditation and dedication.
Perhaps Alex's most infamous attempt to date to engage with his audience was through a DisGord server originally created by an ardent Jahanist. Alexander was intially open to the idea and preached to the congregation, fielding questions on his life, literature and religion. Sadly, the DisGord server was short lived as Alex's paranoia caused him to expel heretics such as admins, memesters and various other alt-right bastards, detailed in this video.
Personal life
Jahans lives on benefits according to his means in a small, shitty flat with his mother. He used to live with both of his parents before he was royally BTFO'd by his dad for being a human sack of shit, after which his dad promptly abandoned ship. Briefly touched upon in this video, Jahans explains that his dad had threatened to off himself if he didn't quit acting like such a bitch. Of course to no ones surprise, Jahans doesn't think that maybe he should look to himself to see why he's driving his parent to such madness but instead twists the situation into one in which it's his father attempt to get him to be normal. His justification for all this being a quote from Dr Who, because what else could it be.
Alexander's father (author of Cogrill's Mill and accomplished actor, Big Balls Keith Jahans) once asked him to do the dishes. Jahans flipped his shit. After retreating to his room he set the timer for 15 minutes and went downstairs - where he saw Keith sitting in his armchair watching Emmerdale (Keith's fave show). Alexander started shouting at Keith - so he got up and walked away. LIKEABOSS. Yesterday, Alexander decided he couldn't take anymore of these outbursts from his father. It wasn't worth it. When Keith came back to the house to settle down for a night of Netflix and Chill with his based daughter, Alexander set the timer. 15 MINUTES TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE. The 15 minutes were up, Alexander marched down stairs and HUGGED HIS FATHER to a bloody pulp. Keith wasn't having none of it and brought in Lady Law who told Alexander that he was a NEET who needed to respect his elderly father's wishes for him to wash the dishes
Alexander is a man of strong morality and unbending principals. Don't ask him to fire a gun, or turn his back on his fellow man, or lift some furniture from one room to the other - not unless you want to be JAHAN'D. Once, Alexander's mad bitch ma Helen Jahans (whose profile picture people keep wiping their noses on) asked him to move a small table and chairs a total of 5 METERS. Alexander was obviously affronted by this - he is an important man, with a busy non-stop schedule. How dare a bitch like his own mother presume otherwise? After much protest, Alexander agreed to move the furniture under an agreed upon price of FIFTY FUCKING QUID. Dragging his pendulous titties downstairs, he proceeded to move this furniture and experienced so much pain, so much suffering. The only thing keeping Alexander going was the thought of the FIFTY FUCKING QUID he'd spend on a new mouse and keyboard (that he fail at Dark Souls with). The cunning fox that Helen is, however, managed to checkmate Alexander. She only gave him THIRTY FUCKING QUID, the mad biatch. Alexander was rightly furious and demanded that he be given the full FIFTY FUCKING QUID for all his pain, all his suffering. Helen became scared as he stared at Alexander's orgre-like rage. She proceeded to write an email that was over 9000 words long that essentially kicked her son out of the house FOUR DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. WUT?? Alexander ignored the email, and carried on playing Skyrim and listening to his podcasts.
Jahans once had a boyfriend but that ended as apparently kids don't want to date a fat, miserable, bisexual and autistic man-baby. Nobody is really sure how Jahans has managed to survive on his diet of crisps and orange juice but he could probably be able to live off of the fat stored in his body for a year if he were to ever stop eating. He also has a qt sister who is proper wife material. One popular feel is "never getting to fuck Jahans' sister and then ask how he is afterwards". His sister is widely speculated to have stolen all the good genes available, leaving him with what you see before you.
Rumors
As with any celebrity or e-celebrity, rumors about Jahans are rampant. One of the most common theories is the many bottles seen around Gordon's unkempt room are piss bottles. Jahans has tried to dispel these rumors by showing one of the bottles full of purple liquid, but this has only lead to further questions about his health, and if that is in fact the color of his urine. Another commonly thrown around accusation is that Jahans has had inappropriate physical contact with his cats. So far absolutely no proof has been shown for this, but it is obvious from photos of him holding the cats that they have seen some shit.
Lending some (frightening) legitimacy to the cat story is an August 2008 post on DeviantArt by someone using the name farsh-nuke. The poster claims to have brought their hamster to climax. He claims to "gain no pleasure" from the act but that his hamster "really loves him now". He acknowledges it might sound a little gross, but encourages another poster to try it, and that if he does he may see its not so gross after all, and is just making the hamster happy. To date, this is one of the most fucked up things Jahans may or may not have done, and has left some in the Esoteric Jahanism community wondering if he is the prophet he once seemed.
The Infamous Bog Roll
Jahans is frequently seen with a roll of toilet papers behind him in the videos, sometimes pre-rolled out on his bed in what he referred to as a "landing strip" for when he fancies a wank. Wads of used toilet paper can be seen carelessly thrown about his room. The bog roll has become such a point of interest from the fans/hate base that if it is NOT seen in the video, questions arise. This led to Jahans giving us all a lesson on camera perspective, showing off that he has masterfully hidden the roll on his bed behind his large body.
Career Achievements
Career achievements can be found on his pornhub (for which he used the same name as he does for his blog and everything else) include:
- The Virgin
- The Porn Buff
- 1 year Old Account
