The Moon

The moon fucking sucks. Nobody can explain how it got there or its relation to the tides.

The Moon (Powerword: Luna) is that large white thing made of cheese that orbits the Earth and tells people who cannot afford clocks when it's time to go to bed. The Moon is Earth's rape baby, created when a planet named Theia raped Earth for the lulz, sacrificing itself to make the Moon. It still sticks around today, alike you within your parent's basement, with nothing to love but your porn and crystalized semen socks.

History

Birth

600 billion years ago, a planet named Theia was just orbiting around with his buddies Mars and Venus. Theia looked over and saw Earth, a stunning young planet who was not out of her molten state yet. Mars noticed Theia looking at Earth and quickly shunned him away, warning him to never eye his bitch again.

In a jealous rage, Theia plotted a way to have Earth all to his own. When all of the planets were asleep, Theia lunged himself at Earth, going all an Hero and raping Earth. 9 months later, Earth was tormented with a new baby Moon.

Today

Today, the moon is still next to mother's side, orbiting like a faggot. It has little gravity and is about 230,000 miles from Earth, yet humans still were able to infect The Moon, and plant a flag in it stating "This is 'MURICA's land!"

The Moon also constantly changes shape, similar to LGBTQ, because it's an indecisive cunt. One day, it'll be all like, "I'm going to be a sphere!" then, the next day, it'll be all like, "Ooh, I'm a crescent now!" Jesus Christ. Pick a fucking shape and stick with it already, for fuck's sake.

The Moon also acts as a shield, protecting Earth from meteors, as seen by its many pits and pimples.

Space Race

Moar info: NASA history.

The Moon has sparked a lot of hubbub within the human population, when the Republicans were afraid that the Commies were going to land on the Moon, have sex with it, then convince the Moon to crash into the United States, after the Commies sent a little iron beeping sphere into space.

So the US invested $100,000,000 Sextillion and sacrificed 200 monkeys, 10 dogs and one cup to build a space ship that would win the race to the Moon, while the Commies were too busy tent queuing cosplaying as Soviet commisars to get the latest warez for them to interfere with such affairs.

File:1smmoon111.png

When the US and Russia heard the moon was populated by horny lolis - the race was on

The United States successfully sent Apollo 11 to the Moon in sexy 1969. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear made it to The Moon with only 2 frozen nutsacks and a missing finger, making America the owner of a white and meaningless floating rock that is over 230,000 miles away from Earth. Congratulations. Now GTFO.

Usefulness

Pros

It is the official symbol of the night
It keeps satellites in orbit
It gives drunk Hill-Billies something to shoot at.
If it wasn't there then what would retards confuse in the sky to say they saw a UFO?
All the rabbits
It serves as a giant night light
So long as basement dwelling geeks think there are hot chicks on it, they'll leave real girls alone.
It's white
It keeps the tides from stepping out of line
It has enough cheese on it to feed Africa

Cons

It's just there
It supports no life
Humans don't have societies on it (like people in the 80's thought we would today)
It's a giant meteor magnet
It covers the sun, and if you look at it, it will move out of the way causing permanent blindness
All Australia does is whine about all the rabbits that keep falling from the moon to eat their carrots.
~~It's not made of cheese~~ don't listen to those conspiracy theorists.
Full Moons calling all the crazies outside.
You think it's coincidence that the moon cycles every 28 days and a girl's period happens every 28 days.
People get pissed when you suggest sending black people there without helmets, landing controls or air.
Stupid rabbits wont share their marshmallow topping
There are no hot women living on it like in Sailor Moon
In Greek mythology, some guy named Endymion keeps jerking it everytime he sees the moon. Now take a wild guess at what the morning dew is supposed to be.
If it could talk, it would most likely be an alabaster retard
While it always tries to show its white side, the moon is half black

Popular culture

Emos, goths, werewolf otherkin and other young humans of darkness see the moon as a cool edgy symbol, and often like telling other people about how much they love it in order to appear like majestic ambassadors of the night.

There exist many autistic 12 year old girls who would sneak out of the house at night on a full moon and stare or howl at the stupid thing in hopes that they would sprout pubic hair all over and become the animal of their spirit.

Mystical Properties

Of course, a giant glowing cheese wheel in the sky is not without magical properties, so when this object turns into full moon it can turn ordinary human beings into giant furries. These special furries can only be killed by silver bullets, unlike regular furries which can and should be killed by jacketed hollow-point rounds. When this cheesy fuck isn't turning people into bloodthirsty, killer werewolves it will turn them into psychopathic mass-murderers.

	“	Carried away by a moonlight shadow. All she saw was a silhouette of a gun, Far away on the other side.	„
	—Based on a true story, http://vimeo.com/51696216

Supermoons

Once every 52.7493864390932 years, the moon comes closer to the Earth than at any other time. The old media go absolutely apeshit and print photographs of gargantuan, swollen, blood-red celestial omens - dominating city skylines, looming menacingly over mountains, and generally looking like the moon in that famous shot from Speilberg's E.T. where they are silhouetted riding a flying bike across the night sky. The Hollywood comparison is appropriate, because such photographs are tricked-up with very long lenses and depict objects that are actually on the horizon and very often invisible to the unaided eye. Every time a supermoon is about to happen, crowds throng the countryside waiting for the awesome. And every time it happens, everyone goes home disappointed, confused and five bucks poorer for having bought a 'Souvenir Supermoon Viewer' (AKA Christmas-cracker magnifying glass) from a helpful backwoods resident who appeared at the scene.