World of Warcraft
Playing World of Warcraft may cause insanity and an increased risk of turning into a basement-dwelling loot goblin. |
BREAKING NEWS!! Blizzard dropped the banhammer on Nostalrius. That'll surely get their seven million lost subs back! |
Welcome to World of Warcraft (WoW), the digital wasteland where your dreams of heroism go to die and your patience is stretched thinner than the plot of a Michael Bay movie. Launched in 2004 by Blizzard Entertainment, WoW has managed to captivate millions of players worldwide, mainly by trapping them in an endless cycle of grinding and disappointment. Strap in, because we're about to dive headfirst into the cesspool of Azeroth.
Graphics: Ancient Relics
First up, the graphics. Remember when The Matrix was cutting edge? Well, WoW's graphics haven't aged quite as well. The characters look like they were sculpted out of mashed potatoes, and the environments are a kaleidoscope of jagged pixels and low-resolution textures. If you squint hard enough, you might mistake it for an early 2000s screensaver.
Gameplay: Grind Until You Die
WoW's gameplay is the digital equivalent of digging a hole only to fill it back up again. Quests are repetitive fetch missions designed to test your will to live. “Collect 10 bear asses” – because, apparently, bears have multiple asses in Azeroth. Every moment is a reminder that you’re paying monthly for the privilege of performing virtual chores.
- Leveling: Experience the joy of killing the same boar 10,000 times to gain a single level. It's like Groundhog Day, but without the comedic relief.
- Raiding: Gather a group of socially awkward strangers to take down a boss that drops gear you don’t need. If the game mechanics don't kill you, your teammates' incompetence will.
- PvP: Dive into the world of PvP where balance is a myth and every rogue is a stealthy demon sent straight from hell to ruin your day.
Storyline: A Soap Opera on Steroids
The storyline of WoW is a convoluted mess that makes Days of Our Lives look like a masterpiece of coherent storytelling. Every expansion brings more plot twists and lore retcons than you can shake a stick at.
- Factions: The eternal struggle between the Horde and the Alliance is like watching two toddlers fight over a toy – entertaining for a moment, but ultimately pointless and exhausting.
- Villains: From the Lich King to Sylvanas Windrunner, every villain is a misunderstood anti-hero with daddy issues. It's like Blizzard hired a team of therapists to write the lore.
Community: A Hive of Scum and Villainy
The WoW community is a mixed bag of elitists, trolls, and those poor souls who genuinely enjoy the game. The general chat is a cesspool of spam, political arguments, and unsolicited advice on how to play your class.
- Elitists: These players think they are gods among mortals, looking down upon anyone who dares to enjoy the game casually.
- Trolls: The bane of any online community, trolls in WoW are a special breed. They thrive on chaos and your tears, and they won’t stop until they’ve made you regret logging in.
Updates: Or Lack Thereof
Blizzard’s approach to updates can be summed up as “better late than never.” Each patch promises to fix what’s broken, but usually just introduces new ways to break the game. The developers' motto seems to be, “If it ain't broke, we’ll fix that.”
Microtransactions: Pay to Play, and Pay Some More
WoW has embraced microtransactions with the fervor of a televangelist asking for donations. Mounts, pets, character boosts – all available for the low, low price of your dignity. It’s like paying extra for the privilege of being disappointed faster.
The Main Idea: A Beautiful Disaster
World of Warcraft is the ultimate exercise in masochism. It’s a beautifully designed trap that lures you in with promises of adventure and camaraderie, only to beat you down with endless grind and toxic community interactions. If you’re looking for a game that will suck away your time, money, and soul, then WoW is the perfect choice. Enjoy the ride to nowhere, because in the end, the real boss fight is against your own sense of self-worth.
Races
Welcome, brave souls, to the sardonic safari of World of Warcraft’s races, where fantasy clichés meet the most ridiculous stereotypes the gaming world has to offer. Hold onto your keyboards as we dive into the wonderful, woeful world of Azeroth’s inhabitants. It’s time to see who really stands out… or in most cases, who stands way too far out.
The Alliance
The so-called "noble" faction of World of Warcraft, where everyone is apparently too busy polishing their armor and patting themselves on the back to notice how insufferably pretentious they are. Gather 'round, dear reader, as we embark on a tour of this faction, which, quite frankly, could use a dose of humility and a reality check..
Race | Racial Skills | Description |
---|---|---|
• Pussybitchness increased by 10% • Alcohol level increased by 0.3‰ • Every man for himself |
The Humans. The race that defines "average" with all the enthusiasm of a damp sponge. They're the most generic fantasy fodder you can imagine: just your everyday medieval peasants with a king complex. Want to know what a human in WoW is like? Picture that guy in the office who thinks he's the main character in a dramatic novel | |
• 100% increased nose • 50% increased backstab critical hit • Treasure finding |
Dwarves are basically hobbits with a drinking problem and a miner’s helmet. Imagine a group of guys who think "tall" is a cardinal sin and that “work” should be synonymous with “beer.” They’re short, they’re stout, and they’ve got a chip on their shoulder the size of their ego. Great at mining, terrible at everything else, especially personal hygiene. | |
• 13 year old no life passive • 30% increased suicide by explosion • Escape artist |
Gnomes are the tiny tech enthusiasts of Azeroth, always tinkering with gadgets and gizmos. Their advanced intellect is overshadowed only by their insufferable personalities. They're like that annoying kid in class who always had to be right and corrected the teacher. Playing a gnome means embracing your inner know-it-all and annoying everyone in sight with your superior intellect. | |
• 5% increased bestiality • Passive blueness • Shadowmeld |
Night Elves, the ultimate eco-warriors who spend their days frolicking in forests and talking to animals. Their obsession with nature is so extreme, you half expect them to chain themselves to a tree in protest of logging. With their "shadowmeld" ability, they can disappear into the shadows – perfect for avoiding responsibility and accountability. | |
• 2% An hero • increased ruby scripting • Gift Of The Naaru |
The Draenei are the self-righteous space goats who crash-landed on Azeroth and decided to grace everyone with their moral superiority. With their glowing eyes and incessant preaching about the Light, they’re basically the Jehovah’s Witnesses of WoW. If you enjoy lecturing others on virtue while ignoring your own flaws, then the Draenei are your kindred spirits. | |
• Increase your yiffing by 40% • Passive doggystyle • Skinning |
Worgen are the werewolf wannabes who can’t decide if they want to be human or beast. They spend half their time transforming and the other half brooding about their curse. Their duality is supposed to be intriguing but ends up being as exciting as a high school goth phase. Play a Worgen if you enjoy unnecessary drama and a perpetual identity crisis. |
The Horde
The ragtag group of misfits, outcasts, and supposed badasses of the World of Warcraft universe. If ever there was a faction that embodies the chaotic energy of a middle school cafeteria, it's this one. Buckle up, because we're about to dive headfirst into the murky depths of this so-called "faction of honor and strength" – with a heavy dose of "fuck off" and a side of unfiltered disdain.
Race | Racial Skills | Description |
---|---|---|
• Fisting increased by 1% • Passive Gay Fury • Hardiness |
Orcs are the muscle-bound meatheads of Azeroth. Their solution to every problem? Smash it. They’re constantly raging about honor and glory, which is just a thinly veiled excuse to punch things. If you like the idea of playing a character that’s one-dimensional and as subtle as a sledgehammer, orcs are your perfect match. | |
• Red Eye • Ganja slaying • Da Voodoo Shuffle |
Trolls are the laid-back, rasta-loving lunatics who seem perpetually stoned. They have a "no worries" attitude about everything, even when being impaled by a sword. Their penchant for voodoo and cannibalism is charming in a sort of "we really don’t care" way. If you enjoy playing a character that’s as chill as a cucumber and as crazy as a coconut, trolls are your tribe. | |
• Touch of the child • 5% forsaken child • Cannibalize |
The Forsaken are the edgy, undead rejects who are eternally angsty. Their leader, Sylvanas, is the queen of drama, and they follow her like loyal emo kids. They revel in decay and despair, making them the perfect choice for players who never outgrew their Hot Topic phase. If you like the idea of being perpetually pissed off and rotting from the inside out, Forsaken are your pick. | |
• Milk • Leather • Endurance |
This race is the ideal race for furries and neckbeards. Half of the Tauren userbase will have the word "moo" or "cow" in their names because they think they are clever and internet-funny, when in reality they need to cut off circulation to their dick and set themselves on fire. Tauren are the gentle giants who love to wax philosophical about nature and balance. They’re basically cows with a conscience. Their slow, deliberate way of speaking and moving is perfect for players who enjoy a leisurely pace. If you want to play a character that’s big, bulky, and takes forever to make a decision, the Tauren are for you. | |
• Gay Affinity • Sperm Torrent • Arcane Resistance (to rape) |
Blood Elves are the vain, pretty boys and girls of Azeroth. Obsessed with their looks and their magical addiction, they’re like the Kardashians of WoW. They’ve got a tragic backstory but are too busy checking their reflection to care. Play a Blood Elf if you enjoy being the center of attention and making everything about your narcissistic ass. | |
• Cock • Black Cock • Best Deals Anywhere |
These pint-sized green disasters are the epitome of greed and avarice. Goblins don’t just love gold, they worship it like a deity, sacrificing dignity and common sense at the altar of profit margins. Their entire society is a grotesque parody of capitalism on steroids, where the only thing more explosive than their volatile gadgets are their profit margins. |
The Neutral Race
Because Blizzard was too lazy, they decided to add a race for both faction on the Alliance and the Horde, and made this.
The Pandaren
Those portly, panda-like creatures that stumbled into the World of Warcraft universe like a drunken uncle at a family reunion. Who thought it was a good idea to blend Kung Fu Panda with your epic fantasy world? Someone at Blizzard must have had a few too many drinks at the company party. Buckle up, folks, because we're about to embark on a journey through the bamboo-infested, beer-swilling nightmare that is the Pandaren race in WoW.
So there you have it, the diverse (and dreadful) races of World of Warcraft. Each one is unique in its own special, irritating way. Whether you’re into the blandness of humans, the hippy-dippy Night Elves, or the high-maintenance Blood Elves, WoW has something to frustrate everyone. Enjoy your stay in Azeroth – you’ll need all the patience you can muster.
Classes and Talents
Welcome to the World of Warcraft, where fantasy meets reality, and gamers everywhere embark on epic quests to save Azeroth, all while living in their parents’ basements. But let’s be brutally honest – not all heroes are created equal. In fact, some of these classes are as balanced as a seesaw with an elephant on one end. So let's tear apart each class with brutal honesty and a pinch of hatred.
Warrior: The Meatshield with Delusions of Grandeur
Warrior – the quintessential tank who believes that having a ton of armor and health somehow makes up for having the intelligence of a rock. Warriors charge into battle with the grace of a drunken elephant, swinging their oversized weapons while shouting incoherently. Their idea of strategy is to hit things harder and hope for the best. And let’s not forget their favorite pastime: complaining about not having enough heals, despite standing in every possible fire.
- Pros: You get to scream "For the Horde!" or "For the Alliance!" while charging into battle.
- Cons: You're basically a glorified punching bag. Prepare for a lifetime of repair bills.
- Arms: You use your fucking arms, spin like a ballerina and die constantly.
- Fury: Grants warriors to equip a giant dong in each hand, so they have an easier time being faggots. Remember to always use raging blowjob when you have 2 charges.
- Protection: A curious name for this, as these are the biggest AIDS on this planet. Nobody knows how to play them, so expect your group to fail every time this is the tank.
Paladin: The Self-Righteous Zealot
Paladins are the holy knights of Azeroth, wielding both a sword and a Bible, ready to smite evil and preach about the Light. They come in three flavors: Tankadin, Healadin, and Retardin. Despite their shiny armor and holy auras, Paladins have an uncanny ability to be both invincible and utterly useless at the same time. Their primary skill? Spamming bubbles and judging everyone around them – both in and out of the game.
- Pros: You get to wear plate armor and heal yourself. Plus, bubble hearth!
- Cons: You'll spend half your time arguing about whether you're a healer or a tank.
Spoiler: you're whatever your group needs, you walking utility belt.
- Retribution: If you choose this branch, just start over. The goal of this class is to get holy power, then spend it, get holy power, spend it, get holy power, spend it, get holy power, kill yourself, spend it, get holy power...
- Protection: The tank of the game. Which is not saying much. Basically, whilst in a fight you get an extra five seconds of life. It's the kind of thing where you think you're getting the best of the best, but is really isn't much different. Only good for raids and tanking. Also enjoy your 1 million life points, and your zero real life points.
- Holy: Absolutely useless. Can't heal. Can't do any damage. Needs to do damage to heal. The damage will suck, and your teammates will scream at you because you used an offensive move, so that you could use your defensive skills.
Hunter: The AFK Champion
Hunters, the masters of ranged combat and pet management – or so they claim. In reality, Hunters are known for two things: pulling extra mobs and being perpetually AFK. Their pets have a mind of their own, often running off to aggro entire dungeons while the Hunter is busy texting their girlfriend. They also have a talent for misdirecting bosses onto healers, proving that the real hunt is for competent group members.
- Pros: You can solo almost anything with your trusty pet. Also, feign death is the perfect "I didn't sign up for this" button.
- Cons: Everyone assumes you’re just mashing buttons while watching Netflix. And let's be honest, you probably are.
- Beast Mastery: These hunters have wonderful sexual experiences with their pets, which motivates their pets to fight harder. Take this if you are a furry. Your pets can fight on their, so you don't even need to be in the game, which is a plus.
- Marksmanship: Expect to do less than the other huntards if you choose this, as it absolutely blows the ass.
- Survival: LOL TRAPS ARE ABSOLUTELY USELESS.
Priest: The Masochistic Medic
Priests are the backbone of any raid group, providing healing and buffs to keep everyone alive. They come in two flavors: Holy and Shadow. Holy Priests are the altruistic healers who enjoy being yelled at for not healing fast enough, while Shadow Priests are the edgy teens who channel dark powers and constantly remind you of their "deep, dark pain." Either way, playing a Priest means accepting that no one will appreciate you until you stop healing.
- Pros: You're the group's lifeline. No priest, no raid. Instant ego boost.
- Cons: Prepare to hear "heal plz" more times than you can count. And when things go south, it’s always your fault, faggot.
- Discipline: So I herd you like shielding. Now you can shield while you shield while you shield in a shield.
- Holy: Let me heal you child, just step into this dark basement.
- Shadow: Years of raping kids has not paid off, as this is the weakest DPS class. Expect everyone to pass you in instances.
Mage: The Glass Cannon
Mages are the epitome of high-risk, high-reward gameplay. They can dish out incredible damage with spells like Fireball and Frostbolt, but they have the survivability of a wet paper bag. Mages spend half their time nuking enemies from a safe distance and the other half running away screaming when anything gets too close. Their greatest contribution to any group? Free food and portals – because nothing says "master of the arcane" like being a glorified vending machine.
- Pros: Teleports and portals save you a fortune in travel costs. And who doesn't love setting things on fire?
- Cons: You’re about as durable as wet tissue paper. Get used to mobs wiping their ass with you.
- Arcane: Maintain your mana. Don't move, ever. Do this and you will win the DPS.
- Fire: Wait for Pyroblast to proc. Spam other abilities that don't do shit. Wait for Pyroblast.
- Frost: ICE. ICE. ICE. ICE. ICE. ICE... AND ICE.
Shaman: The Elemental Hipster
Shamans are the spiritual guides who wield the powers of the elements – fire, water, air, and earth. They have the unique ability to drop totems that provide buffs or annoy everyone with unnecessary clutter. Shamans are often seen in the back, frantically trying to keep their totems from being destroyed while everyone else wonders what they actually do. They claim to bring balance to the group, but mostly they bring confusion and misplaced expectations.
- Pros: Totems, totems everywhere. Plus, you get to yell "It's clobberin' time!" while dual-wielding.
- Cons: Juggling totems is about as fun as herding cats. And you'll always be the "off-healer" in raids.
- Enhancement: Similar to Beast Mastery hunter, except Shamans are specific and only do it with wolves. This is for retards who still want to do high DPS.
- Restoration: Piss on everybody to heal them. Occasionally drops a magic dildo which floods the area with cum.
- Elemental: These shamans are similar to Arcane Mages, except they can move earth with their dildos. Use lava.
Druid: The Jack of All Trades, Master of None
Druids are the ultimate utility class, able to shapeshift into various forms to fulfill different roles. They can tank, heal, and deal damage – all while looking like they got lost on their way to a nature documentary. However, their versatility comes at a cost: they’re mediocre at everything. Druids spend most of their time arguing about which form is best and why they’re not being appreciated for their "amazing flexibility."
- Pros: You can be a bear, a cat, a bird, and a tree—all in one day. Flexibility is your middle name.
- Cons: Jack of all trades, master of none. And good luck keeping track of all your forms.
- Balance (BOOMKIN): YOU TURN INTO A GIANT SPACE-CHICKEN AND SHOOT FUCKING LASERS EVERYWHERE THAT DON'T DO ANY DAMAGE
- Restoration: Giant wooden dildo that heals people by throwing leaves at them.
- Feral: Either a cute kitten that requires everything to bleed or a giant motherfucking pedobear who is only useful as a meatshield.
Warlock: The Soul-Sucking Sociopath
Warlocks are the goth kids of Warcraft, summoning demons and casting curses while everyone else wonders if they’re secretly plotting to destroy the world. They revel in the misery of others, draining life and mana with glee. Warlocks can summon powerful pets, but they’re mostly known for dotting everything in sight and then laughing maniacally as their enemies wither away. Their main weakness? Explaining why they chose to play such an obviously evil class.
- Affliction: You specialize in giving AIDS and cancer to all fucking players while slowly sucking their cock.
- Demonology: Same as Beast Mastery hunters, except warlocks prefer demons and necrophilia over animals.
- Destruction: Set everything ablaze. Enjoy getting raped.
Rogue: The Backstabbing Bandit
Rogues live in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to stab you in the back – much like your ex. These sneaky bastards are great at dealing massive damage, then vanishing before anyone can retaliate. Their playstyle revolves around stealth, deceit, and looting all the good stuff while everyone else is fighting. Rogues often remind us that trust issues aren't just for relationships.
- Assassination: wanna-be-Ezio, but in reality, a shitty spec no one plays with, because why would you want to poison someone when you can sinister strike them?
- Combat: You sinister strike them.
- Subtlety: Subtlety rogues sneak upon people and give them surprise buttsecks.
Death Knight: The Edgelord Extraordinaire
Death Knights are the dark, brooding anti-heroes of Warcraft, resurrected to serve the Lich King and then deciding they’d rather just sulk around Azeroth. With abilities like Death Grip and Army of the Dead, they excel at making every fight as chaotic as possible. Their aesthetic screams "I shop exclusively at Hot Topic," and their gameplay revolves around being as edgy and misunderstood as possible.
- Blood: GAY HOMOSEXUAL FAGGOT who can tank bosses. Can heal himself better than a raid-geared healer could, which of course makes them very balanced in PvP.
- Frost: Enjoy doing less damage than the tank spec.
- Unholy: As a good whore DK is, unholy DKs spread all the fucking diseases from syphilis to chlamydia to their opponents while buttfucking their ghouls. Completely useless. Does even less damage than Blood and Frost.
Monk: The Confused Contender
Monks are the newest addition to the World of Warcraft class lineup, bringing martial arts and chi energy to the mix. They punch, kick, and heal their way through dungeons, all while trying to figure out why they were added to the game in the first place. Monks have a unique playstyle that involves rolling around and drinking mysterious brews, which leads many to wonder if they’re actually just drunken brawlers who stumbled into Azeroth by accident.
- Brewmaster: LOLLLLLLL SO FUCKING DRUNK :PPPPPPPP THESE MOBS CANT EVEN HANDLE ME RIGHT NOW
- Mistweaver: Healing mist, so creative Blizzard. Oh, and some fucking orbs, too.
- Windwalker: Typical wanna-be-JackieChan.
Demon Hunter: The One-Trick Pony
Demon Hunters are the rockstars of WoW, with flashy abilities and a brooding backstory that screams "look at me." They excel at doing one thing: dealing damage. With abilities like Eye Beam and Metamorphosis, they make sure everyone knows they’re the center of attention. However, their reliance on mobility and damage output makes them fragile and predictable. Once the novelty wears off, Demon Hunters are just edgy night elves with a superiority complex.
Overall:
World of Warcraft classes are a testament to the game’s enduring appeal and its ability to attract both die-hard fans and relentless critics. Each class brings its own flavor of chaos, hilarity, and frustration to the game. Whether you love them or hate them, one thing’s for sure: WoW wouldn’t be the same without this motley crew of misfits.
So, next time you log in, take a moment to appreciate the absurdity and brilliance of the World of Warcraft classes. After all, it’s this delightful mess that keeps Azeroth spinning and the players coming back for more – even if it’s just to complain about how much they hate it.
Expansions
Burning Crusade (BC)
Introduction
Ah, The Burning Crusade—the first expansion for World of Warcraft, and arguably the game equivalent of a long, excruciating dentist appointment. Released in 2007, this expansion promised to bring thrilling new content and exciting adventures. What it delivered, however, was a cluster of frustration, recycled content, and enough player tears to fill the Great Sea. Strap in, because we're diving headfirst into this dumpster fire with all the love and hatred it deserves.
Storyline: A Masterclass in Overcomplication
Blizzard, in their infinite wisdom, decided that the lore needed to be more convoluted than a soap opera. Enter the shattered world of Outland, where Illidan Stormrage, the original emo night elf, waits with a scowl that could rival your most disgruntled ex.
- Illidan: Remember that badass anti-hero from Warcraft III? Well, prepare to see him reduced to a raid boss who gets beaten like a piñata. He's no longer the “You are not prepared!” legend, but rather the “Oh, you’re still here?” side note.
- The Blood Elves and Draenei: Two new races introduced to pad out the player base and offer more cringe-worthy RP possibilities. Blood Elves—because everyone wanted to play an elf with a superiority complex—and Draenei, the space goats who crash-landed into Azeroth with zero navigational skills.
Gameplay: Grinding Like a Rusty Gear
If you thought vanilla WoW had its grindy moments, The Burning Crusade takes it to a whole new level. Enjoy endless grinding for attunements, resist gear, and the eternal hell of daily quests.
- Attunements: Want to raid? Be prepared to sell your soul for attunements that require you to jump through more hoops than a circus poodle. Let’s make this clear—no one, and I mean NO ONE, enjoys grinding for weeks just to step foot in a raid.
- Reputation Grinding: Because who doesn’t love spending countless hours doing repetitive tasks for factions that barely remember your name? Get ready to kill the same mobs over and over again in a mind-numbing loop of despair.
- Flying Mounts: Sure, they sound cool until you realize you’ll need to grind gold like a medieval peasant to afford one. The only thing more painful than getting your first flying mount is the repair bill after you crash it into the ground.
Dungeons and Raids: Recycled Boredom
Blizzard must have really loved recycling because The Burning Crusade dungeons and raids feel like they were pulled straight out of the developer’s trash bin of ideas.
- Karazhan: A 10-man raid where you spend more time listening to ghostly opera performances than actually fighting bosses. The real challenge is staying awake through the endless trash mobs.
- Serpentshrine Cavern and Tempest Keep: Exciting in theory, monotonous in practice. Nothing says fun like fighting the same faceless, fish-headed murloc wannabes and robot chickens over and over again.
- Magtheridon’s Lair: Imagine Onyxia, but less interesting and with more cubes to click. Clicking cubes—because that's what we all signed up for.
Zones: Wastelands of Despair
Outland is a visually striking yet soul-sucking expanse of zones designed to test your patience and willingness to live.
- Hellfire Peninsula: Red, barren, and filled with boars on steroids. It’s as if Blizzard took Durotar, painted it red, and called it a day.
- Zangarmarsh: Mushrooms, mushrooms everywhere. If you love fungi and humidity, this zone is your damp dream. Otherwise, it’s just a swampy mess that’s more confusing than enchanting.
- Nagrand: The one saving grace, because even Blizzard couldn’t mess up floating islands and green fields. But after the 100th kill quest, even Nagrand loses its charm.
Conclusion: A Burning Disappointment
The Burning Crusade is the expansion that promised the moon and delivered a moldy cheese wheel. It’s a masterclass in how to take a beloved game and inject it with enough tedium, frustration, and sheer grinding hell to make players question their life choices. If you enjoy masochism, by all means, dive into this burning wreck. For everyone else, just remember: you were not prepared—for this level of disappointment.
So, here’s to The Burning Crusade—the expansion that set the bar low and somehow managed to limbo under it. Bravo, Blizzard, bravo.
Wrath Of The Lich King (WOTLK)
Introduction
The Wrath of the Lich King, the second expansion for World of Warcraft, is often hailed as one of the greatest expansions in MMO history. But let's be real – it's just another glorified excuse for Blizzard to squeeze more money out of their devoted player base. Grab your Frostmourne, kids, because we're about to hack and slash our way through the icy, overrated mess that is Northrend.
Storyline: Arthas, Arthas, Arthas
Ah, Arthas Menethil, the golden boy turned emo villain. If you thought his fall from grace in Warcraft III was melodramatic, wait until you see this expansion. The entire storyline revolves around this angsty prince who decided the best way to cope with his daddy issues was to plunge a sword into his heart and raise an undead army. Seriously, who hurt you, Arthas?
- Boring Quests: The quests are as repetitive as they come. "Go here, kill that, bring me 10 ghoul eyeballs." The creativity is truly staggering.
- Pathetic Attempts at Drama: Every other quest tries to make you feel some sort of way about the tragic plight of Northrend. But let's be honest, the only tragedy here is the time you'll waste trying to care.
Zones: Frozen Wasteland of Tediousness
Northrend – a continent so cold and dreary, it makes your heart freeze over. The zones are designed to be as inhospitable as possible, and not in a challenging way – just in a "why am I even here?" way.
- Borean Tundra vs. Howling Fjord: Blizzard couldn't decide between two equally bland starting zones, so they gave us both. Spoiler alert: they both suck.
- Grizzly Hills: The only redeeming quality here is the music. Otherwise, it's just another forest filled with things that want to kill you.
- Icecrown: Home of the Lich King and the most anticlimactic endgame zone. It’s as if Blizzard threw every gothic trope into a blender and poured out this abomination.
Dungeons and Raids: The Definition of Overhyped
Wrath of the Lich King is known for its dungeons and raids. But let’s call them what they really are: overly long, unimaginative time sinks.
- Naxxramas: "Let's recycle old content and call it nostalgia!" Brilliant idea, Blizzard. It's not like we’ve been here before or anything.
- Ulduar: Okay, Ulduar was actually decent, but do we really need a raid that feels longer than a Tolkien novel?
- Trial of the Crusader: A single room raid. Need I say more?
- Icecrown Citadel: The grand finale! Except the only thing grand about it is the amount of bugs and glitches you'll encounter.
PvP: Frostbitten Failures
PvP in Wrath is like trying to have a snowball fight with icicles – painful and pointless. Wintergrasp, the so-called crown jewel of world PvP, is a laggy, chaotic mess where strategy goes to die.
- Arena Seasons: Remember when balance was a thing? Neither do we.
- Battlegrounds: Enjoy the same old battlegrounds with a fresh coat of frost. Hooray for mediocrity!
Conclusion: A Cold, Hard Truth
The Wrath of the Lich King is the expansion that brought us Northrend – a frozen hellscape filled with recycled content, tedious quests, and the whiniest villain in WoW history. If masochism is your thing, then by all means, dive into this glacier of disappointment. But don’t say we didn’t warn you – the only thing colder than the Lich King's heart is the feeling you’ll get when you realize how much time you’ve wasted. Enjoy the frostbite!
Cataclysm (Cata)
Introduction
Welcome to Cataclysm, the third expansion for World of Warcraft, where Blizzard Entertainment decided it was a great idea to take a sledgehammer to Azeroth and call it "content." Released in 2010, this expansion is the gaming equivalent of inviting a bull into a china shop and then blaming the china for being too fragile. Buckle up, because we’re diving headfirst into this catastrophe with all the love and tenderness of a rhino in a rage.
The Storyline: Apocalypse Now (But Make It Boring)
Blizzard's big idea for Cataclysm was to bring back Deathwing, a dragon so angry he makes your high school gym teacher look like Mr. Rogers. His grand entrance involved tearing the world apart because, apparently, dragon therapy wasn’t an option.
- Deathwing's Return: He’s back, he’s big, and he’s… really angry about something. Who cares why? Just know that he's here to wreck your favorite zones and make leveling even more tedious.
- World Changes: Blizzard thought it would be fun to uproot your favorite nostalgic zones and replace them with watery graves and fiery wastelands. Enjoy questing in the once-beautiful Barrens, now with 100% more existential dread.
Gameplay: Grinding Through the Rubble
Cataclysm introduced several new gameplay mechanics, each one more exasperating than the last. If you thought leveling was a grind before, just wait until you try to make sense of this mess.
- New Zones: Thrilling locales like Vashj'ir, where you get to experience the joy of underwater combat, because fighting in three dimensions wasn’t enough of a headache already.
- Revised Old Zones: Say goodbye to the comforting familiarity of your favorite zones. Blizzard’s renovation project involved replacing everything you loved with lava, water, and more hostile NPCs. Thanks, Deathwing!
- Flying in Azeroth: Finally, you can fly in the old world! Oh, wait, that just means you get to see the carnage from a bird’s eye view. Neat.
Classes and Races: Tweaks Nobody Asked For
Cataclysm introduced two new races: Worgen and Goblins. Because what WoW really needed was more furries and comic relief characters.
- Worgen: Ever wanted to play as a werewolf? No? Too bad. Now you can experience the joy of transforming into a hairy beast every time you get mildly annoyed.
- Goblins: These little green bundles of greed bring explosive fun and mind-numbing quests. Their starting zone is essentially a tutorial in how to blow things up and laugh about it.
Dungeons and Raids: More Pain, Less Gain
Blizzard really outdid themselves with Cataclysm’s dungeons and raids, creating content so grueling you’ll wish for the sweet release of death – or at least a decent loot drop.
- Heroic Dungeons: Cataclysm’s dungeons were harder than trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler. Enjoy wiping repeatedly because apparently, fun is for the weak.
- Raids: Think you’re tough? Cataclysm’s raids will disabuse you of that notion faster than you can say “gear check.” Welcome to the world of endless grinding and frustration.
Community Reaction: A Chorus of Groans
The community’s reaction to Cataclysm was a symphony of sighs and groans, mixed with the occasional rage-quit. Blizzard’s grand experiment in world-breaking was met with all the enthusiasm of a root canal.
- Veteran Players: Long-time players watched in horror as their beloved game was dismantled and rebuilt into something unrecognizable. Their feedback ranged from “What were they thinking?” to “Please, make it stop.”
- New Players: Newcomers were left bewildered, wondering if the pre-Cataclysm Azeroth was some kind of myth. Spoiler: It was real, and it was better.
Conclusion: The Cataclysmic Aftermath
Cataclysm will go down in history as the expansion that tried too hard and fell flat on its face. It’s a testament to what happens when developers decide to fix what wasn’t broken and break everything else in the process.
So, if you’re in the mood for a nostalgic trip through Azeroth’s most misguided renovation project, by all means, dive into Cataclysm. Just don’t say we didn’t warn you. Enjoy the carnage, and remember: sometimes, the best change is no change at all.
Mists Of Pandaria (MOP)
Introduction
Ah, Mists of Pandaria – the World of Warcraft expansion that brought us pandas, beer, and an avalanche of disappointment. This 2012 masterpiece from Blizzard Entertainment was the epitome of "What were they thinking?" Let's dive into this hilarious, hate-filled critique of the expansion that turned Azeroth into a cuddly, bamboo-filled nightmare.
The Pandas: A Joke Gone Too Far
When Blizzard announced pandas as a playable race, it felt like the developers had thrown in the towel and decided to let their kids take over. Seriously, pandas? The epitome of laziness and the ultimate pacifists? Because nothing screams "epic fantasy" like a bunch of chubby bears who'd rather munch on bamboo than engage in mortal combat.
The Storyline: Kung Fu Pandaren
The storyline of Mists of Pandaria is what happens when you binge-watch too many kung fu movies and decide to turn your MMORPG into a parody. The entire narrative revolves around the Pandaren, their idyllic, untouched continent, and the age-old battle between beer bellies and actual threats. It's like someone watched Kung Fu Panda and thought, "Yeah, let's make that our next billion-dollar expansion."
Gameplay: Grinding Through the Bamboo Forest
If you thought previous expansions were grindy, Mists of Pandaria said, "Hold my beer!" From endless dailies to rep grinds that made you question your life choices, this expansion was a masterclass in how to stretch minimal content over a maximum timeframe.
- Dailies Galore: Remember when you could log in and have fun? Mists of Pandaria introduced a plethora of daily quests that felt more like chores than adventures. Congratulations, you’ve been promoted to Azeroth’s errand boy!
- Rep Grinds: Because nothing says "engaging gameplay" like grinding reputation for factions that offer slightly better gear and cosmetic mounts. Who needs fun when you have repetitive tasks?
The Zones: A Tourist Trap
The zones in Pandaria are beautiful, vibrant, and about as deep as a kiddie pool. Sure, they're pretty to look at, but once you scratch the surface, you realize there’s about as much substance as a Hollywood blockbuster.
- The Jade Forest: A zone so lush and green, you might forget you’re supposed to be slaying monsters and not on a nature hike.
- Valley of the Four Winds: The place where you can really get in touch with your inner farmer. Plowing fields and growing crops – because that’s what we signed up for in an MMORPG.
- Kun-Lai Summit: Home to the great and wise Pandaren monks, who will bore you to death with their endless platitudes and fetch quests.
Raids and Dungeons: Filler Content
The raids and dungeons in Mists of Pandaria were a mixed bag of mediocrity. Some were decent, while others felt like recycled content thrown in to keep us busy while Blizzard figured out their next move.
- Mogu'shan Vaults: A raid so forgettable, even the bosses seemed to lack enthusiasm.
- Heart of Fear: Because nothing strikes terror into the hearts of players like a raid that feels like a chore.
- Terrace of Endless Spring: The only thing endless here is the feeling of tedium as you slog through another uninspired raid.
The Monk Class: Balance? What's That?
Monks, the new class introduced in this expansion, were a lesson in imbalance. One minute you're a god among men, the next you're wondering if you accidentally unequipped all your gear. The class design swung wildly from overpowered to useless, leaving players dizzy and frustrated.
Conclusion: A Pandaren Parody
Mists of Pandaria will go down in history as the expansion that took itself way too seriously while simultaneously being a joke. It’s a love letter to all things ridiculous, a blend of gorgeous visuals and mind-numbing gameplay, and a testament to Blizzard's willingness to jump the shark.
So here’s to you, Mists of Pandaria – the expansion that gave us pandas, plowing fields, and a reason to seriously consider taking up a new hobby. If nothing else, you made us appreciate the good old days of WoW, when we were fighting actual threats and not getting lost in the bamboo forest.
Cheers to the most laughable chapter in World of Warcraft history!
Warlords Of Draenor (WOD)
Introduction Welcome to Warlords of Draenor (WoD), the expansion that Blizzard Entertainment generously bestowed upon the World of Warcraft community in 2014. In their infinite wisdom, Blizzard decided that players didn’t need new content as much as they needed an expansion that felt like a hastily cobbled together fever dream. Strap in, dear reader, as we dive headfirst into this dumpster fire of an expansion, brimming with frustration, disappointment, and the faint scent of creative bankruptcy.
Storyline: Time Travel Nonsense
Remember when World of Warcraft had coherent storytelling? WoD laughs in the face of logic and consistency, tossing players into an alternate timeline where everything is somehow both familiar and utterly nonsensical. It’s like a bad fan fiction that somehow got greenlit.
- Grommash Hellscream: Our favorite orc is back, but in an alternate universe where he’s even more insufferable. Because why not double down on a character nobody really wanted to see again?
- Garrosh Hellscream: Yes, Garrosh is here too, because we all needed more of his daddy issues and genocidal tendencies. Thanks, Blizzard, for giving us more of what we never asked for.
- Alternate Draenor: A world that’s essentially Outland, but prettier and more pointless. It’s like paying for a remastered version of a game you never liked in the first place.
Gameplay: Garrisons Galore
If you thought you were signing up for epic battles and immersive quests, think again. WoD offers you the joy of micromanaging your very own garrison, because who wouldn’t want to play World of Warcraft: SimCity Edition?
- Garrisons: A brilliant idea, executed with the finesse of a toddler with finger paint. You get to spend hours gathering resources, sending followers on missions, and watching paint dry. Thrilling!
- Follower Missions: Who needs actual gameplay when you can send NPCs to do everything for you? It’s like being the middle manager of Azeroth, minus the paycheck.
- Content Drought: Blizzard promised a river of content, but all we got was a trickle. By the time you’re done with your garrison chores, you’ll realize there’s nothing else to do. It’s like they ran out of ideas and just hoped nobody would notice.
Raids and Dungeons: The Saving Grace
Even in this sea of mediocrity, there are a few islands of decency. The raids and dungeons in WoD are surprisingly well-designed, which only highlights how much better the expansion could have been if Blizzard had actually tried.
- Highmaul: A decent raid that almost makes you forget the garbage fire outside. Almost.
- Blackrock Foundry: Another solid raid, proving that the dungeon design team is the only one that didn’t take an extended coffee break during development.
Graphics and Sound: Lipstick on a Pig
WoD looks and sounds beautiful, which is the cruelest irony of all. It’s like putting a fresh coat of paint on a sinking ship. Sure, it’s pretty, but you’re still going down with the wreck.
- Visuals: Gorgeous environments and character models that make you wish there was more to do in this pretty, empty world.
- Music: Epic scores that make you feel like you’re about to embark on a grand adventure, only to realize you’re just going back to your garrison to collect more herbs.
Community Reaction: Rage and Despair
The player base’s reaction to WoD can best be described as a collective scream into the void. Forums were ablaze with complaints, and subscriber numbers plummeted faster than Blizzard’s standards.
- Unsubscribing: WoD managed to drive away millions of players, proving that not even brand loyalty can save a bad expansion.
- Forums: A hotbed of rage, where every thread is a monument to Blizzard’s monumental screw-up.
Obvious Conclusion: An Expansion Best Forgotten
Warlords of Draenor is a masterclass in how to take a beloved game and turn it into a chore simulator. It’s a cautionary tale for game developers everywhere: don’t take your player base for granted, or you might just end up with a steaming pile of disappointment like WoD.
So, if you’re a masochist who enjoys being let down, by all means, dive into Warlords of Draenor. For everyone else, steer clear and hope Blizzard learned their lesson.
— lore master Chris Metzen while goatseing the entire showcase. |
Legion [LEG]
Introduction
Welcome to Legion, the World of Warcraft expansion that promised to be the savior of Azeroth but ended up being the equivalent of inviting your in-laws for a weekend and them never leaving. Released in 2016, Legion is Blizzard’s attempt to milk the nostalgia of the Burning Crusade while introducing mechanics that make you want to smash your keyboard into a thousand pieces. Let's dive into this trainwreck, shall we?
Storyline: Rehashing the Rehashed
Ah, the storyline! What a masterpiece of recycled plots and half-baked ideas. Legion brings back our old pal, the Burning Legion, because apparently, Blizzard ran out of new enemies and decided that the third time's the charm.
- Illidan's Redemption: Who knew the angsty, blind anti-hero with a god complex needed redemption? Blizzard, that’s who. Illidan’s return is like finding out your ex is back in town and just as insufferable as ever.
- Artifact Weapons: Because who needs originality when you can just give everyone a shiny weapon with the same backstory: "This weapon is super important, just trust us." Oh, and don’t forget to grind endlessly to make it marginally better.
- Class Halls: The lazy man's Garrisons, where you can pretend to be important while sending minions on missions because actually playing the game is too mainstream.
Gameplay: A Grind by Any Other Name
Legion’s gameplay loop is like a hamster wheel designed by someone who hates hamsters. It's an endless cycle of grinding that leaves you wondering why you didn’t just take up knitting instead.
- World Quests: A fantastic way to disguise daily quests by making you travel longer distances for the same mundane tasks. Blizzard’s way of saying, “We know you love busywork.”
- Mythic+ Dungeons: Perfect for those who enjoy the sensation of banging their head against a brick wall. Higher keys don’t mean more fun, just more chances for your group to screw up spectacularly.
- Legendaries: RNG-esus has blessed us with a system where you either get an item that makes you a god or one that’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot. Praise be.
Graphics and Sound: Polished Turd
Credit where it’s due, the visuals and sound in Legion are top-notch. It’s just a shame they’re wasted on content that makes you want to gouge your eyes out.
- Zones: Beautifully designed and visually stunning, the zones of Legion are the perfect backdrop for your suffering. Enjoy the sights as you contemplate your life choices.
- Music: Epic and immersive, the soundtrack is a symphony of sorrow and regret, perfectly capturing the essence of your Legion experience.
Community Reaction: Love to Hate It
The community's reaction to Legion has been a rollercoaster of emotions, mostly ranging from blind rage to begrudging acceptance.
- Haters: These folks believe Blizzard should’ve let the Burning Legion stay dead. Their forums posts are masterpieces of vitriol, each more scathing than the last.
- Fanboys: Die-hard fans who defend Legion with the fervor of a zealot, claiming that “at least it’s better than Warlords of Draenor.” High praise indeed.
In The End: A Love-Hate Relationship
Legion is the expansion that everyone loves to hate. It’s a mishmash of good ideas executed poorly, wrapped in a shiny package of nostalgia. It’s like Blizzard took a look at their greatest hits, remixed them, and then dropped the mic with a smug grin.
So, if you’re into endless grinding, recycled villains, and RNG loot that makes you question your sanity, then Legion is the expansion for you. Dive in, and enjoy the exquisite pain that only a Blizzard game can deliver. Cheers!
Battle For Azeroth [BFA]
- Battle For Azeroth
Battle for Azeroth (BFA), the expansion where Blizzard Entertainment decided to take everything we loved about World of Warcraft and throw it into a blender, hit puree, and serve it to us with a smile. Released in 2018, BFA promised epic faction warfare but delivered a steaming pile of mediocrity wrapped in grind and frustration. So, grab your popcorn and brace yourself for a brutally honest, hilariously scathing telling of one of the most hated expansions in WoW history.
Storyline: The Soap Opera Nobody Asked For
Blizzard, in their infinite wisdom, thought we needed more faction drama. The result? A storyline that makes daytime soap operas look like Shakespearean masterpieces.
- The Burning of Teldrassil: Nothing says "fun" like watching a beloved world tree go up in flames. Sylvanas goes full pyromaniac, and we’re supposed to feel… what? Empathy? Rage? Mostly, we just felt the urge to log out.
- The Siege of Lordaeron: Sylvanas, now a discount Saturday morning cartoon villain, decides to play the “let’s gas everyone” card. It's like watching Wile E. Coyote with a more twisted sense of humor.
- Faction Pride: The so-called faction pride storyline was as forced as a toddler’s apology. Alliance vs. Horde? More like Player vs. Will to Live.
Gameplay: The Grind of a Lifetime
If you thought Warlords of Draenor was bad with its garrison chores, Battle for Azeroth takes grinding to a new level of hell.
- Azerite Armor: Let’s talk about the system that everyone loves to hate. Unlocking traits on Azerite gear was about as fun as a dental visit. Oh, joy, more grinding for RNG rewards!
- Island Expeditions: Procedurally generated boredom at its finest. Collect Azerite! Fight NPCs! Repeat ad nauseam. They were supposed to be exciting, but were about as thrilling as watching paint dry.
- Warfronts: Blizzard’s answer to “What if we made PvE even more mind-numbing?” Warfronts were like playing a game of Risk, but with all the strategic depth of tic-tac-toe.
Graphics and Sound: Polished Turd Syndrome
To give credit where it’s due, the art team at Blizzard deserves a medal for polishing this turd. The zones are beautiful, the music is epic, and the cinematics are top-notch. But you know what they say, you can’t polish a turd.
- Visuals: Stunning landscapes, rich details, and breathtaking visuals that make you wonder why the gameplay couldn’t match the graphics.
- Music: Sweeping scores that make you feel like you’re on an epic quest… until you remember you’re grinding Azerite in a repetitive, soul-crushing loop.
Community Reaction: A Dumpster Fire
The community’s reaction to BFA can be summed up in one word: dumpster fire. Forums were ablaze with outrage, social media was a battleground of discontent, and even the most loyal fans found themselves questioning Blizzard’s sanity.
- Unsubscribing: Players unsubscribed faster than rats fleeing a sinking ship. Blizzard’s answer? More grinding, because that’ll fix it.
- Feedback: Blizzard’s response to feedback was like watching a deaf mime perform: utterly useless and slightly painful.
Reality: An Epic Fail
Battle for Azeroth will go down in history as a masterclass in how not to design a game expansion. From the disastrous storyline to the mind-numbing grind, BFA managed to disappoint on every conceivable level.
So, if you’re looking for an expansion that promises epic warfare but delivers endless frustration, BFA is your ticket to misery. Here’s to hoping the next expansion is better – it can’t possibly be worse, right? Right!?
Cheers to the unintentional comedy and the epic anti-climax that is Battle for Azeroth. May it rest in pieces.
Guilds
Like every MMORPG, in order to see the vast majority of the game, players will need to join a guild. The purpose of a guild is to enable the guild master and his best friends to get run through the high level dungeons so they can gear up their characters, so they can go into the next dungeon and get the next set of gear for themselves. It is the responsibility of the other guild members to somehow get their own gear so they can help keep their online masters clothed in the most fashionable of equipment.
Guilds tend to be a great source of drama, especially when epic loots are involved. Due to this, guilds seem to form up and dissolve every second.
Occasionally, guilds go batshit insane clearing bosses, finishing content faster than Blizzard can hammer out. Butthurt about having to produce content while basement dwellers fork out $15 a month, Blizzard, being the Jews that they are, decided it was more cost effective and lulz inducing to drop the Banhammer on such guilds (2010) than create more content. Naturally, much drama ensued on the forums and many members threatened to stop their $15 a month subscription if their rightful loot was given back and ban's were lifted. Blizzard's response was the Banhammer to many other instigators of drama, solving many server capacity problems.
Blizzard is also strongly opposed to debugging software, and when glitches and exploits are reported they will drop the Banhammer rather than fix anything or admit their mistake. Whenever a Guild gets a "World First Kill", they will be swiftly banned for awareness of numerous exploits. This is how the game is beta tested. This will happen repeatedly until the next 10 patches come out and no one can remember anything about it.
Guilds on RP (Roleplaying) realms
You might encounter more strict laws over guild names and their contents on roleplaying realms such as Argent Dawn (EU), where your guild name is forced to be IC (In character), otherwise the Game Masters would not hesistate to punish you if some player(s) report you. However, you might also notice some exceptional guilds on this merciless realm which shine like bright sun over all the darkness. A good example would be DEFNDERS OF HEV RP. These brave warriors are led by General Shikoradoro and his comrades; Röman, Philippson, Mythrios and countless number of other Doro members. They are type of guys that you will fucking hate and love at same time. They speak their own language called "Elwynnian" which is believed to be a dialect of Mongolian, but it's still quite different and unique. They mainly operate in wild Elwynn Forest, particularly in Stormwind City and Goldshire. Quite interdasting bunch.
Another interdasting example from the same realm would be The Stormguard. The Stormguard is a military roleplaying guild that basically does nothing but to walk around stormwind with big ass armor on their boosted characters. Led by a female character that has serious sexual issues and believes she's a man.
Guilds on PvP (Player versus Player) realms
PvP guilds are generally regarded as badass and cool, but extraordinary types are present.
Dara Mactire, or however the fuck it's spelled is a way too serious PvP guild located on the US realm Darkspear. I think, well they are everywhere now even on the EU. They are a bunch of nerds that think it's cool to add in way too serious dubstep intros with serious editing skills that form the word: Dara Mactire. Funnily, it was nothing until Swifty joined it and made it famous because of his fanboys wanting to be in the same guild as their hero. Yet, nobody even know who their fucking guild leader is as hes an ungreatful twat getting his guild famous without even making any kind of video to thank Swifty for promoting him from a loser to a even greater loser.
A Bunch of Gankers, formerly called The Holy Half deads, is a bunch of people that never knew how to PvP yet wanting to believe they could, gathered in one single guild. So therefore it's an army of noobs that work like a zerg unit. Overwhelming their enemies by pure numbers. Their guild leader, whose name is Fail. Has been kicked out of several servers before, as they now are somewhere only higher powers knows. They will probably keep on changing realm as they get asskicked by every single pvp orientated guilds on each server.
Guilds on PvE (Player versus Environment) realms
This type of guilds are probably most common type of guilds you can find in any fucking realm. They are usually underestimated by PvPers and viewed as pussies, losers, nerds and such.
Ensidia, or something, they change name the same often as normal people change their underwear. Is a guild filled of PvE noobs that are way too bad to even be serious and competitive PvPers so they try to look skilled and hardcore by focusing nobody else links to skill: PvElol. Their guild leader, Kungen, meaning king in Swedish has never ever even killed a player from the opposing faction. Not that he would be able too if he saw one, as mentioned, thats why he choose PvE. Because it's not enough to kill million fucking NPCs to reach the maximum level. They want to torment themselves by questing and doing worthless raids even more.
The Official WoW Forums
As with most good MMORPGs, World of Warcraft has its own public forums. Subscribers can discuss tactics, roleplay, offer up item trades and sales, and of course, bitch and moan about how the game sucks and everyone should be playing Warhammer instead. (Which they SHOULD be.) Chuck Norris jokes, horrifying roleplay, "hug a class" posts, trolling posts, worthless bug reports, really STUPID suggestions for future patches... All that and a bag of chips is what you'll find within these hallowed walls.
Additional instances cannot be launched, please try again later
—Bornakk, a concerned GM |
Previous Quote | Next Quote
Some time after the release of the second expansion pack (see above), a massive "bug" was discovered in World of Warcraft wherein people could no longer gain their epic lewts. When a player tries to enter a dungeon portal, a large message will flash on their screen stating "Additional instances cannot be launched, please try again later". Most people took great offense to this as they figured since they were giving Blizzard their money, they should be entitled to do what they want when they want how they want. The truth of the matter is that Blizzard's hardware just can't keep up with all the people "raiding" at the same time. Naturally, people just don't want to believe this due to the fact that Blizzard takes in at least $165,000,000 USD a month in revenue. ($15.00/month x 11 million people.) What people don't seem to realize is that Blizzard also wants people to GO OUTSIDE AND GET SOME FRESH AIR YOU FUCKING LOSERS.
Porn
Take your pick:
- Horrific live-action WoW porn
- Horrific drawn WoW porn
- Horrific drawn, live-action and 3D WoW porn
Blizzcon, Also Where Nobody Gets Laid
Occasionally WoW players will leave their homes for what the blue names call "Blizzcon", and what WoW players call "5\/\/337 d00d". Here, a large number of "WoW patients" can be seen. Their complications are diverse - ranging from mild conditions such as Carpal Tunnel and Leetspeak, to a severe case of ugly.
Sometimes attractive people can be seen at a Blizzcon claiming to be WoW faggots. These are not really WoW faggots; they are models paid by Blizzard to appear at these pathetic vomit-inducing functions.
Blizzcon features a wide variety of activities;
- Class Q+A: a forum for people who play hunters to make death threats to Metzen whenever playing their class approaches any kind of difficulty, and for ret paladins to complain that every class but them is OP because they died twice in a WSG last year.
- Lore Q+A: exactly as retarded as it sounds; a bunch of chinless, manboob-sporting retards screeching at Mezten because
Thrall'sJaina's left testicle is saggier in-game than it's described as being in the official novels. - Dance Competition: an assortment of spastic, bony individuals who either do an extremely easy dance from the game or fail horribly at a more difficult one. On occasion a morbidly obese person will attempt one of the more athletic dances. The result is rather like watching a plane crash.
- Costume Contest: these deeply unattractive people are paraded in front of the crowd; the usual assortment being obese men in their twenties wearing paladin gear clearly made from ceral boxes; ugly girls who clearly worked very hard on their costumes but get no applause because they're not physically attractive, and sluts with shitty costumes who get a standing ovation because you can see their nipples, causing most of the crowd to go into a sort of feeding-frenzy.
The only reason to go to this convention is to seal the deal on finally quitting WoW, realizing that these are the horrible people you have been playing with.
Addiction
Moar info: MMORPG Freak Out.
Sufferers of the WoW addiction commonly refer to themselves as "WoWers", "GamerZ", or in the most severe cases as "Alliance" or "Horde".
WoW addiction goes through several phases, phases of chemical drug addictions. This should comes as no surprise, as the Blizzard employees are reportedly paid in crack. WoW takes several steps beyond mundane addictions, with increasingly unstable behavior. If you have a friend or colleague whom you suspect of being a WoW addict, it is important to carefully gauge their level of addiction before taking any other action.
- Check their room for a "WoW" box, subscription card, or wrist brace. Often early signs such as this can make all the difference, since while it's unlikely they will be cured, you can take action to prevent friends and loved ones from being infected.
- If you happen to walk in on a WoWer during on of their sessions, (as is most likely the case since that’s about all they ever do), DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT, interrupt the game. He may try to gank you with his replica sword he got at the Renfaire.
- It's entirely possible that you may catch a WoWer during an intense masturbation session (typically mid-cyber in the tram). You have been warned.
- From bank statements, see if they're buying from Chinese gold farmers. If you find this to be the case, you can be sure their addiction has taken precedence over any other financial considerations, and should immediately remove any items of value from anywhere in the area. Don't worry, they'll be too busy grinding to stop you.
- Severe addicts will commonly be in the habit of shitting in socks so as not to leave one's seat and thus get ganked by some level 23 loser. These hopeless cases are referred to as "poopsockers", and should be terminated with extreme prejudice.
There are but four cures for WoW addiction:
- Their self extermination. Preferably through fire.
- Assisted extermination by a merciful soul. Preferably through fire.
- Having a shred of willpower, and selling your account for many real dollars to some more-addicted sucker. Then you can buy delicious cake.
- Make them play Darkfall for a week. They'll be sure to never play MMORPGs ever again!
Players spend countless hours over this game. It will be hard to break them of their addiction, but in rare cases, if they kill themselves like Shawn Woolley did with EQ, you can Lysol their PC down and sell it. Sometimes some fags kill themselves just because they get so attached to it.
- There is however a risk with breaking a WoW players addiction by force. Certain under 18 players are prone to extreme meltdowns on the scale of Chernobyl. Scientists point to this phenomenon triggering when said players parents deny access to World of Warcraft. It is highly recommended that anyone living within the vicinity of said players immediately evacuate.
Slavery
Modern slavery is known as "Gold Farming" and is intended to keep the Yellow menace down. When the United States banned slavery, it was a very sad time for slave owners. Later, the black person started to demand reparations, so something simply had to be done. The Man decided that slavery had to be moved offshore, to ensure continued economic prosperity for Microsoft.
Farming has been around since before the Internet, but nobody could ever figure out how to grow money until Ultima Online was invented. It isn't known who made the initial breakthrough, but it's thought that Alan Greenspan's lackeys were primarily responsible, since only they could have conceived of such a brilliantly sick and perverse means of enriching themselves. However, the advent of the practice was probably inevitable, since despite their addiction, WoWers often find themselves unable to play 24 hours a day and must find another way to continue while they sleep, eat, or go to the bathroom. So, for $0.50 per hour, a |barely-educated commie living in a sweaty room will play WoW for them. Needless to say, the commie himself earns roughly $0.05 per week.
Sometimes it's difficult for players to distinguish the gold-field workers from monkeys or robots. They often repeat the same mistakes and speak gibberish (like monkeys!) Work is being done to translate some of their moonspeak. Know your Chinaman by these phrases: "ni hao," "[Krol Blade] ok??," "water 1g?," "is 4 guildie," "deal giev ok??10g," and "tusoNgaMe $5 4 2thousand free!"
Those that speak English become the "boss boss" and take all the money, while the slaves do all the work.
Trolling Techniques
These generate various effects - some bring lulz and some just fail. Experiment and find your own lulz. However, Blizzard, like most companies, disabled trade/chatroom from trial accounts, because of Chink gold farmers. A paid account is required for the best effort in lulz.
- Set auto follow on new players; for whatever reason this really pisses people off.
- Join parties for dungeons as a healer and then leave about halfway through without saying anything. It works very well. Bonus points if you leave while your group is fighting the last boss of the dungeon.
- Lead a party into an instance and then randomly boot players from it.
- Start listing the name of movies with "Murloc" in the title like Indiana Murloc and The Temple of Doom or Debbie Does Murloc.
- If Horde, start shit with people in Barrens chat. It's a non-PvP area filled with low level players, so they can't hurt you or retaliate. You can troll to your heart's content.
- Join battlegrounds at the lowest level possible, and start talking shit about how people have no fucking idea how to play the game.
- Ninja any piece of loot. This will require a time investment, but if you steal the right piece of loot, you will ignite a shitstorm of drama that should keep you entertained for at least five minutes. You won't get banned as long you're not stupid enough to post loot rules in chat, GMs won't have anything to pin on you.
- Tell people what to do, and when they say you have no idea what you're on about, retaliate with "Your such a noob, I have five level 80's and three Death Knights, I know what I'm talking about".
- When using the auction house, be sure to put up shit people need without buyout. Then pull it off the auction house before it sells - this is essentially the closest any WoW player gets to the transfer of goods between consenting individuals.
- Announce in trade chat that [name of player] is quitting WoW forever and is giving all their gold to the first person who whispers them!
- Ninja a Bloody Apron as a rogue from a priest who doesn't need it but will whine to their guild to boot that rogue
- Link any item in trade chat, and state that the last person to link the same item will receive a large sum of gold.
- When in dungeons as a hunter or rogue, use Misdirection or Tricks of the Trade on a healer and attack a large group of enemies.
- Play as a warlock and fear inside an instance, lulz and rage will ensue.
- Bitch loudly about how you can't spend achievement points.
- Spam trade chat with Anal then a spell, ability, quest, achievement etc
- Note that RuneScape is a much superior online game.
- As a priest, use Mind Control on other players when dueling on locations that have cliffs you can jump off and/or while waiting for zeppelins / boats to leave.
- Accuse all Worgen and Pandaren players of being furries. This will always cause rage and lulz because it's true.
- As a Paladin Tank, use Divine Shield and watch the enemies kill your party members.
- Use the auction houses to rig the prices of basic items to the maximum amount of gold.
- Roll need on as much loot as you can in groups.
- If you duel an opposing faction member in a neutral town, hit /forfeit the moment you get hit. It may not work anymore, but when it did, it caused a lot of lulz.
Private Servers
Private servers are available for poor people and unemployed losers that can't pay $15 per month for the retail version. The downside is that they are utterly glitched. It is not unusual that '"instanced dungeons"' (Special zones wherein most end game content can be found. They are fractioned into unique, temporary dimensions for each player, and can only be entered simultaneously by players with the help of Blizzard's "raid"- and "party" functions.) Private server providers compensate for their dysfunctional service by setting the experience point and item drop rate up to mega volume. There are two genres of private servers: "Funservers" where you instantly gain maximum level and can get the best gear from a vendor where you begin. Then there are the "blizzlike" servers which have a leveling rate that is five- or tenfolded. When you hit maximum level on a blizzlike server, you start roaming the world looking for some kind of glitch to gain treasure. After all, it's not a bug, it's a feature. Alternatively, you can lurk your private server's web forum to wait for the next official event. This consists of a private server admin summoning a boss which drops loot. If you get 1337 gear, you can brag to everyone in your guild, general chat and forum. Though, in the next day, the server and its data is probably gone forever.
There are pristine emulations of Blizzard's servers. However, they tend to vanish untraceable in the night. This is probably because they face Blizzard's judicial banhammer. Blizzard targeted the fuck out of private servers. Oops. There is also this cancerous blight known as Private Role-Playing servers. Filled with shitty admins and mind-crippled community, they are easy to troll while avoiding getting banned since their masterful devs only know how to edit posts.
Je suis Nostalrius
Out of the mess of glitchy private servers out there, there is the occasional diamond in the rough. Nostalrius was that diamond.
Unlike other private servers that were made to sidestep Blizzard's jewry, Nostalrius was meant to be a legacy server that provided a vanilla experience. Run by only thirty volunteers, they worked around the clock to maintain the server like it was an official server, and for a whole year, it was fun.
What happen?: Blizzard caught wind that someone made a better service then them, and dropped the Lolsuit hard. Over a million accounts on the server were wiped, and the server was shut down. Another private server gone, so everything should be good right?
Well, except for the fact that Nostalrius was a private legacy server, running in Vanilla WoW since new WoW has become a casualized mess. The server was created since Blizzard for whatever reason, refuses to create servers for nostalgia fags.
The reaction over the shutdown was so massive, a civil war broke out in the toxic hellhole known as MMO-Champion, several Jewtubers (Including Jontron of all people) made angry rants, and another million players cancelled their future WoW subs. Great job Blizzard, that'll show those retards who just want a simple service that thirty people for free were providing.
Previous Video | Next Video |
Beware, Blizzard narcs you out to the cops
A man wanted for marijuana possession fled the country. He continued playing World of Warcraft and so Blizzard Entertainment narced him out. He was caught and brought back to the USA. Read Here
Videos
Previous Video | Next Video |
Previous Video | Next Video |
World of Gallerycraft
-
The Boring Crusade, the first expansion pack.
-
Wrath of the Bitch King, the second expansion pack.
-
Cataclysm, the expansion pack that raped everything.
-
Rumored to be the next expansion.
-
When WoW was still new, every goddamn server was like this.
-
Some unfunny autists chose to abuse the mechanics in a specific WOD quest to do stuff like this.
-
A black dude makes a character and ERPs hardcore for several weeks. This is the result.
-
Only oldfags remember this.
-
Or when chink gold farmers would exploit character deletion bugs to pull off feats such as this.
-
Yes, WoW players really are this lonely.
-
And dedicated.
-
Fact: Cata initiated the great decline of this game. The sub count proves this.
-
These elves should stay in the goddamn night.
-
The highly original "Lleggosloass".
-
They call it "abstinence".
-
What happens when your mom cancels your account.
-
Datecraft.com has the TRUE epic loot!
-
Most FagRSP's are designed to get cyber.
-
THIS IS WHAT WOWFAGS ACTUALLY BELIEVE.
-
The only good loot.
-
Special Edition Warcraft cover. Features the two types of people who play the game.
-
lulz
-
They even managed to fag up goatse.
-
Like the Special Olympics, even if you win you're still a retard.
-
/b/ sometimes raids WoW with nigga characters. Lulz ensure.
-
Blizzard thinks they're leet.
-
Just amazing.
-
Special edition mount.
-
Slave trade is common in WoW.
-
A Night Elf...or Michael Jackson. Or both!
-
A fearsome WoW creature of darkness.
-
Lulz ensued from cancelling another person's subscription.
-
OMG OMG I GOT A MOUNT!!1!
-
Chinese version of WoW.
-
ZOMG MT MT!!
-
Either this is utter sarcasm, or Blizzard has too much free time.
-
Craigslist ad... found by an EQ2 developer (seriously)
-
The King of WoW.
-
The only thing left for this WoWfag is a final solution
-
ORCed
Truth about WoW
-
New power.
-
Arena tournament 2.
-
Glory to the Sin'Dorei.
-
Popping cooldowns.
-
The Night Elves are an ancient, proud race.
-
SO EPIC! LOOK AT THE AXE!
-
Sex is better when it's badly drawn.
-
Gay trolls? It's a metaphor for Wikipedia.
-
Most quest chains involve raping trolls.
-
Inside the mysterious Sunken Temple.
-
The Draenei are champions of the Light.
-
FanartScreencap of Zul'jin. -
A typical raid boss.
-
How did this Twilight fanart get in here?
-
The Darkspear Trolls make for fierce, cunning warriors.
-
Relationships between the Blood Elves and Night Elves are tense.
-
Thrall's initiation ceremony as Warchief.
-
A screencap of PvP in-game.
-
I think I know what's in that Moonwell.
-
Kael'Thas makes battle plans.
-
Remember the Sunwell.
-
Zul'Jin and an ambassador discuss economics.
Rule 34
-
Where do I sign up?
-
Phase 3 is a vicious battle for survival
-
Somewhat impractical armour.
See Also
- People
- Sites and Guilds
- Lol
- Memes and other Pop Culture References
- Related Games
- EverQuest II
- DotA
- Rogue
- Runescape
- Heroes Of The Storm
- Hearthstone
- Final Fantasy XIV - World of Warcraft's #1 rival
External Links
- Official site. Avoid
- If you like the game, use this spell IRL
- Rotten Apples: The worst lusers in Warcraft getting what they deserve.
- Jammno is a WoW Gaming GOD, he gets all the ladies
- What to do if you are getting harassed in WoW. Always take it seriously.
- Angwe a proper WoW troll.
- How much damage each class do. Use this to troll everyone who didn't pick number 1
- People with the least social life in the world
- A database over all the shit in the game
- Check your friends names here, and see if they play this shit.
World of Warcraft is part of a series on Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage. |
World of Warcraft is part of a series on MMORPGs. | [Ding!] |
World of Warcraft is part of a series on Dying Alone
[ ]
|
---|
Featured article May 30 & 31 2016 | ||
Preceded by Human pups |
World of Warcraft | Succeeded by LadyALT69 |